Joke of the week

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  • �My dad served in �Nam as a military short-order cook. It has really affected him. To this day he still has Vietnam flapjacks.��Mike Wiley

  • Photograph: Courtesy of Joe Fernandez

    �I never open a tab at a bar. That�s like saying �Here, I�ll come pick my credit card up tomorrow.�?��Joe Fernandez

  • �I see that police were firing beanbag rounds at Occupy Wall Street protesters. That�s the wrong kind of ammunition to use against people who are that good at Hacky Sack.��Adam Burke

  • �To get more followers I�m tweeting the Diary of Anne Frank. I just know it will end with the tweet, �BRB sum1�s @ the door.���Sean White

  • �Someone told me you got to grab life by the balls. That�s the worst advice ever. You know what happens when you grab something by its balls? It beats the shit out of you until you let go.��Kyle Kinane

  • �What is the difference between a nine-year-old orphan and a Christian? The orphan is aware that nobody is coming back to save him.��Drew Michael

  • Photo Courtesy: Zanies

    �I once convinced a blind woman that I had a braille tattoo on my penis.��Mike Kosta

  • Photograph: Jason Lee

    �I got a girl pregnant once. She called me up, she�s like, �I think I�m pregnant.� I was like, �The number you have reached��?��Mitch Fatel

  • Photo Courtesy: Lisa Laureta

    �I saw two birds fighting over a piece of KFC chicken. All I could think was, after all my protesting and pamphleting and boycotting, what is it going to take to get these birds to start eating cage free?��Lisa Laureta

  • Photograph: Johnny Knight

    "There was an entire wall in the children's section of the costume shop I was in dedicated to Michael Jackson costumes. Jackson has been dead for two years and you still can't keep him off little boys." �Chris Condren

  • �America really needs to switch to the metric system. A pop-up ad on a Canadian website asked me if I wanted a 30.48-centimeter erection, and I clicked �Unsure.�?��Dan Polydoris

  • �If you�re Catholic you�re not supposed to have sex until you get married. What happens if you die before you get married? Then you go to heaven a virgin and you might have to have sex with a terrorist.��Mike Palascak

  • Photograph: Johnny Knight

    "I made out with a friend of mine in college and he's a nice guy, but kissing him was like kissing my brother. If my brother weren't the best kisser ever."�Mo Welch

  • Photo Courtesy: Brian Babylon

    �White coworkers throw around the word ghetto just because they watch rap videos and have DVDs of The Wire. The fax machine isn�t ghetto, just dial 9 before sending the fax. You know what�s ghetto? Finding a roach in a mousetrap.���Brian Babylon

  • Photograph: Robyn Von Swank

    �Recently I got pulled over for driving in the high-occupancy-vehicle lane. He gave me the big cop speech, �You know you have to have more than one person in the vehicle to drive in the HOV lane.� I was like, �Check the trunk.�?��Doug Benson

  • Photo Courtesy: Whitney Cummings

    �Men watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We�re both looking at stuff we�re never going to do.��Whitney Cummings

  • Photograph: Zarah Delrosario

    �I just joined a gym for the first time. You can�t do that stuff in your apartment. You have those bursts of inspiration where suddenly you�re like, �I�m gonna do some sit ups.� Then you just end up watching television lying down.��Prescott Tolk

  • Photograph: Sabah Ali Khan

    �I love how rappers give themselves crazy nicknames. Stand-up comedians don�t get crazy nicknames, but I�m calling myself Magic 8 Ball because I am dark, and when I go to the airport I get shaken up and asked Yes or No questions.��Prateek Srivastava

  • �Men are like weathermen. [We] tell you that night you�re going to get six to ten inches, then you wake up the next morning and realize you only got three to five.��Ryan Singer

  • Photo Courtesy: Mike David

    �Sometimes when you�re high, you have the most random thoughts. Once I was driving through a shitty neighborhood and I saw a bird in the air and I thought, Why would a bird live in a shitty neighborhood?��Todd Glass

  • Photo Courtesy: Patti Vasquez

    �My dad was a Chicago cabbie. I could never ask him for directions because he only knew the longest way to get there.��Patti Vasquez

  • Photo Courtesy: Alix Maulitz

    �Bathrooms are laid out better for women. You get a stall, we get a creepy urinal. Ladies, know what it feels like when you�re in an elevator and in complete silence with a bunch of strangers? Now put a penis in your hand.��Owen Benjamin

  • �When someone asks me what superpower I would have if I were a superhero, I tell them I already have one. I say I possess the preternatural ability to anticipate and avoid horrifically boring conversations. Then I walk away.��Chad Briggs

  • Photograph: Erica Gannett

    �I don�t hate children. They�re great on a rotating spit with the right marinade.�-Marc Peurye

  • �I found the girl that took my virginity on Facebook the other day. Her vagina was like my first bike. It was bright red, a little bit too big for me and my dad had to hold my hips steady at first because I kept falling off of it.��Kurt Metzger

  • �Everybody in America should get a shot at being President. First President Obama, then President Rodriguez. What�s the worst that could happen? The border problem finally gets solved and the White House lawn would look better.��Christopher Titus

  • �I went on a date with this one girl, she was wearing a skirt and a pair of jeans under the skirt. I think she was trying to say, �Hey Matt, here�s two things you�re not getting into tonight.���Matt Fulchiron

  • Photo Courtesy: Adam Guerino

    �This isn�t a joke, it�s my life. Though I can understand the confusion...� �Adam Guerino

  • �I hate flossing. I went to the dentist last week and he asked me, �Exactly how many days has it been since the last time you flossed?� And I said, �Exactly how many days are in 29 years?�� �Danny Kallas

  • �I�m a bit of a music snob. I�m in an indie-rock cover band called Fold Your Arms and Say Nothing, because apparently that�s how white people enjoy music.��James Fritz

  • �My bank has a hand-sanitizer dispenser in the waiting area. I use a lot to make up for the bailout.� �Paula Poundstone

  • Photograph: Steve Kline

    �Dating is so different in a small town. For example, in a small town, you never really break up with anyone, you just kind of lose your turn.��Emily Lake

  • �I like to play music during sex. But it�s mostly because my parents spent so much money on trumpet lessons.��Ken Barnard

  • �My six-year-old niece wants to be a rock star when she grows up. To see if she can handle it, I bought her some heroin. She�s already had sex with a loser and trashed a Sheraton, but her songwriting is unreal.��Patrick Ney

  • �My mother said to me, �Boy, please don�t tell me that you�re gay.� I was like, �Gay? Please, I get tired bending over to tie my shoes.���Lavell Crawford

  • �Me and my girlfriend moved in together this week. I�m superexcited because that means it could potentially be only a matter of months before I have a new girlfriend.��Collin A. Bullock

  • Photograph: Melanie Watson

    �I was downtown and the drunk tank picked me up. I was like, �Wait a minute, fellas, there�s a misunderstanding here. I�m not drunk. I have cerebral palsy.� They were like, �That�s a pretty big word for a drunk guy.���Josh Blue

  • �I went to a funeral recently. They handed out Kleenex at the beginning of the funeral, which I thought was a little cocky.��Mike Birbiglia

  • �Ever download so much porn that you start running out of room on your computer? And instead of stopping, you just start deleting other things that you clearly need. Microsoft Word? Fuck it, I�ll use Notepad.� �Drew Michael

  • �I just got a bathroom scale to help motivate me to get in shape. It didn�t end up working too well. I just used it to weigh myself before and after taking shits.��Ricky Gonzalez

  • �Some people at work were saying if they had a clone they�d use it for spare kidneys. That�s ridiculous. If I had a clone, I�d use it to try on pants.��Kristin Clifford

  • �The first time a woman goes into a Lane Bryant store is a lot like the first time an alcoholic goes to an AA meeting. You don�t think you belong there, but your family wishes you would�ve gone a long time ago.��Jeanie Doogan

  • �My roommate got mad at me for having sex too loudly. This is always awkward because they�re looking for an apology, and you�re looking for a high five.��Lauren Vino

  • �I had a gang of street toughs call me a slut while I biked past recently. I was wearing a bulbous helmet, jean shorts and mesh cycling gloves. So I yelled back, �What I�m offended by most is your inaccuracy!���Cameron Esposito

  • �A new study has revealed that drinking tea after the age of 50 increases the risk of arthritis in women. Scientists say another big factor that increases the risk of arthritis: being 50.��Ethan Peldo

  • �I have a shirt with Redd Foxx from Sanford and Son on it. People always think it�s Nelson Mandela. Yeah, can�t forget when he ended apartheid with his famous speech, �You Big Dummy.���Mike Joyce

  • �The worst thing about being agnostic is the rallies. You show up and it�s a bunch of guys with signs saying, �WE�RE NOT SURE!� �I HAVE DOUBTS!� �WHAT DO YOU THINK?� Our gang sign is a question mark.� �Adam Burke

  • �At my gym, there�s a sign on the inside door of the bathroom stall that reads, PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH ANYTHING BUT TOILET PAPER DOWN THE TOILET. But I feel like such an idiot scooping all the turds out.��Mike Lebovitz

  • �I was sitting at the bar, and I see this guy do the roofie move into my drink. When I reach for my drink, he whispers, �No! It�s for that girl.� I�ve never been so offended. The nerve of someone I don�t even know to tell me they don�t want to rape me.��Dara Katz

  • �I�ve been called drunk Barbie. I wish there were a stand-up comic Barbie. She would come with accessories, like a two-drink minimum and antidepressants. She would be dating some douche bag named Ken who doesn�t think women are funny.��Mo Welch

  • �In Washington, the FDA has reported that the first drug designed to boost the female sex drive failed to make a significant impact on libido in two studies. The third study was ruled inconclusive when the female subject refused to drink another vodka cranberry.�
    �C.J. Toledano

  • �There�s a report out that says that overweight women have twice as much sex as skinny women. This came as great news to me because for the first time ever, I confirmed that I�m thin. In fact, if the study is correct, I�m anorexic.��Tia Ayers

  • �My mom came to visit me recently. She said, �I noticed that at night four prostitutes stand outside your building.� I thought, It�s a good thing she didn�t stay any longer. Otherwise, she would have noticed them inside my apartment.��Scott King

  • �Why do they call it friendly fire? It�s not like you�re making friends while you�re shooting people. And if you do shoot someone, you guys probably aren�t friends anymore.��Sydney Adeniyi

  • �I don�t want to get boxer briefs because my underwear is the last thing my girlfriend sees before she has sex with me, and I don�t want her thinking the word brief. That�s why I get it on in long johns.��Ryan Budds

  • �I used to swim in college, but I didn�t want to wear a Speedo because I thought it would make me look gay. Two weeks into practice my teammates were like, �Andy, swimming naked makes you look even gayer.���Andy Woodhull

  • �My sister and her boyfriend accidentally �planned� a baby. She�s only eating 300 more calories a day to accommodate the life-form growing inside her body. This is shocking to me, because I consume at least 1,000 more calories a day during a pregnancy scare.� �Beth Stelling

  • �I just got a text from Arizona saying, �It�s not you, it�s me. But really it�s you
    and anyone who looks like you.���Ricky Carmona

  • �Most pills are named after black girls I went to elementary school with. The three girls that gave me trouble in third grade were Levitra, Cialis and Boniva.��Will Miles

  • �Never judge a book by its cover. Adolf Hitler and Charlie Chaplin had the same mustache but, in the end, a very different body of work.��Mike Stanley

  • �I saw a sign on a church that read, GIVE SATAN AN INCH, AND HE�LL BE A RULER. I think that just goes to show how arrogant we are here in America: We just assume Satan uses the same system of measurement as we do.��Dave Odd

  • �Cubs traffic is like a surprise pregnancy. You end up sitting in your car crying because some dude in a baseball hat screwed you over, and even though you are both responsible you're the one that's stuck and he gets to go play with his balls.��Gillian Bellinger

  • �Whenever I careen over our city's fine potholes, I make sure to bite my tongue hard enough to draw blood. I call this the Taste of Chicago.��Cameron Esposito

  • �Convential wisdom says you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Okay conventional wisdom, next time you see me I will be wearing only a condom.��Nick Morgan

  • �Larry King�s wife wants to play the love interest in the Broadway musical adaptation of Spider-Man. And she'd be perfect for the role, because she's used to having sex with someone covered in cobwebs.��Dan Telfer

  • �Caribou populations have dropped sixty percent over the last 30 years apparently due to climate change and shame at the low quality scones in their coffee shops.��Andy Woodhull

  • �I love living at home. My parents have an awesome washer and dryer; it�s top-of-the-line. Here�s how it works: I put my clothes in the washer, they come out folded on my bed.��Mike Palascak

�My dad served in �Nam as a military short-order cook. It has really affected him. To this day he still has Vietnam flapjacks.��Mike Wiley

Wiley plays SoHa Comedy Thursday 8.


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