Illustration: Sio Yean
1. The Dancing Queen
It’s Friday night, the lights are low, and the Dancing Queen is out in full force. Sequined bandage dress, Louboutin-inspired heels, deodorant – check, check and check. Three shots down, the Dancing Queen is here for one thing – to dance. Stay out of the way as she (or her posse) speedily slinks towards the dance podium. If there’s no podium, then she’ll be gyrating by the wall.
2. The Datuk
The Datuk lives the high life. They may or may not be a datuk, but from what common behaviourists could observe, the Datuk is not here to party, it’s here to spend. Usually found lounging with their #squad at the most exclusive table in the place (also known as the land of champagne and honey), they can be viewed at Providence.
3. The Kayu
Painfully awkward, the Kayu is usually seen blinking in a panicked manner and using suction-like pads on its fingers to stick to walls. This notable ability also allows it to hold on to phones so as to avoid any form of interaction. Like a fish out of water, this introverted species basically does not belong in a club. Pass them orange juice and guide them out to fresh air and safety.
4. The Kaki Botol
The Kaki Botol is another species that’s common across all clubs. Usually in denial of their alcohol tolerance levels, the Kaki Botol is a species that’s most often spotted on the sidewalk. Sometimes you can also find them face down in a dark corner of the club. We only pity the friend that is assigned to lug them home.
5. The Senior Citizen
Still in his office wear, the Senior Citizen is a species in his late 30s which believes that he can still party like he’s 21. Gently suggest that they go watch football at the bar next door instead.
6. The Baby
The natural nemesis of the Senior Citizen is the Baby, a wide-eyed species barely out of college and on his/her first overexcited field trip to the club. Defining characteristics: texting their mum (or boyfriend) that they’re still at study group, stumbling in high heels.
7. The Cool Kid
The Cool Kid is usually lurking at Pisco (but only when The Other Party plays). Eerily alike, they’re all tall and effortlessly beautiful (nope, no heels). They are: a) too cool to dance; b) usually has pictures taken by All is Amazing; and c), friends with the DJ.
8. The Freeloader
The Freeloader is the friend of a friend of a friend. Or he may be the instant friend your cousin met on the dance floor. Either way, you’re not quite sure who this person is but if he’s helping himself to the alcohol at your table, congratulations, you’ve gotten yourself a legit Freeloader. Note: they may just be starving writers.