There are many ways to piss off a Chicagoan, but perform these 22 behaviors in our natural habitat and we'll only shake our heads and cringe.
1. Ride a Razor scooter through the Loop. Businessmen in tennis shoes are particularly guilty of this heinous offense.
2. Drive like a wimp. We spend so much time being nice here and driving is how we get our aggression out. Be sure to plow through yellow lights at all costs, be the sneaky last car to turn at the red light—and remember—the right lane is not the slow lane, it’s the passing lane.
3. Appreciate both the Cubs and White Sox. Chicago is one place in the Midwest where it’s not just okay to be disagreeable, it’s expected. Embrace adversity.
4. Ingest the water while swimming Lake Michigan. No, just no.
5. Live in constant fear of love handles. We rock the body image of the bell curve around these parts, and quite literally so. Exclude yourself from our delicious diet by planning for bagels and pizza accordingly.
6. Think Rick Bayless represents the pinnacle of Mexican food. Have you used your eyes and nose before? Great Mexican (and Latino food in general) is everywhere.
7. Be the Malört guy. Malört is actually fine in mixed after-dinner drinks. Try it sometime. Do, however, stop doling out punishment shots.
8. On that note, an inability to hold your liquor. It will definitely result in calling it an early night often. The city might be frozen (or nearly so) for six months, but we’re swimming in beer and booze all year.
9. Drive literally everywhere instead of walking or taking the CTA. Chicago is a great place to walk around and see the sights. Each neighborhood has a hodgepodge of architecturally varied homes to see and great food is never far away.
10. Go for a bike lane joyride during rush hour. Chicago traffic is the same on two wheels as four. Haul ass or do not haul at all.
11. Ride your bike on the sidewalk. There's just no room.
12. Stop on the sidewalk. We’re not New York, we get it. We might not have as much speed or swagger, but we do walk with purpose.
13. Be too cool to shop in the Loop. You’re not. Face it, shopping by rule of proximity can and will be your best friend in this sprawling metropolis. The outlets in Rosemont just aren't an option on most days. The Loop (for most of us) at least leaves us with enough energy to try on our new digs and go out.
14. Conversely, favor chains instead of indie shops. The little guys on our lively fringes are what make us strong.
15. Push through a packed CTA train to the doors before they open. Don’t bring the Chicago traffic experience to the pedestrian realm.
16. Make phone calls on the Blue Line. Being connected is important. Having an unsuccessful phone conversation beneath the Chicago River is not.
17. Stand right in front of the train doors so no one can leave. At least shove your way in after most of us have exited, please.
18. Get on the train before other passengers leave. Another closely related no-no.
19. Stand on the left side of the escalator when exiting the CTA. The right side is for an escalator ride.
20. Pronounce the streets incorrectly. You say it like "Dev-on," not "Devin." Paulina is "Paul-eye-nuh," not "Paul-eee-nuh" and Throop is actually "Chroop."
21. Always talk about your Midwestern hometown. You're not expected to become a Bears fan, but if you like Milwaukee or Cleveland so much, just move back.
22. Never leave your neighborhood. As well as receiving a well-earned sigh, this one could make you undateable.