The CTA Blacklist: 10 people who should be banned from public transit

We’ve all ridden the CTA at some point or another. Whether it’s a train or bus, we’re all using some transportation offered by the city of Chicago. With that, we’re all stuck with some of the worst people on the planet to annoy us on our way to and from work. You know the kind of people I’m talking about. In fact, you might actually be one of them. If you are, clean up your act because we (the silent people of Chicago) are sick of it. Here are the worst of the worst who should be blacklisted from the CTA. 

The Bag People: I don’t even need to say anymore because you already know what I’m talking about. These are the people who leave their bags on the seats or in the aisles. They soullessly look you dead in the eye while their bag or luggage also stares back at you. They could hold their bags, but that would be the polite thing to do and these people don’t have a polite bone in their bodies. While you daydream about grabbing the bag and throwing it out of the train while everyone cheers you on and carries you through the car like you’re Rudy, a single tear rolls down your cheek as you just sit there turning up the volume to Adele’s “Hello.”

The Aisle Crowd: They don’t get up. No. They sit in the aisle seat and scroll through their newsfeed stopping periodically at Halloween pics. This is the same type of person who will be in the aisle seat on an airplane or in a movie theater who won’t get up to let you get to your seat. Instead, they pull their knees a quarter of an inch to the side and take a deep breath as if the amount of oxygen intake will miraculously change their size. You’ll continue to run into this same person for the rest of your life because the CTA gods have put a curse on you that only a Cubs championship can reverse. 

The League of Extraordinary Man Spreaders: These are the people, typically men, who spread their legs so far apart you’d think they were a field goal post. That or a trapeze artist preparing for a world championship. They sit down and dish out a nice full-course spread for the train to eat. The person sitting next to them becomes the person holding their leg up. It’s the worst. If you see this, just assume they're overcompensating for something (I’m talking about the size of their woodpecker), because nobody needs to spread like that unless they're harboring a fugitive in their pants.

The Cat Callers: These people need to get out of the train. They need to get off of the bus. They need to board a plane and go to a deserted scumbag island where you can hoot and holler at each other. These are the people who actually think shouting at someone or commenting on their appearance to get their attention works. If only there was a database with statistics to show them exactly how many times “Hey baby girl” was a successful pickup line. 

The Crotch Leaners: If you were lucky enough to hit the jackpot and score an aisle seat, you were most likely also unlucky enough to run into one of these types. These are the ones who stand right next to you and have no control over their lower bodies every time the train takes a turn. Throughout the ride, they continuously fall forward, smashing their crotches into your shoulder or head. You put up your arm, but now your arm has been crotched. Whether it’s because the train is taking a turn or because this person has decided now’s the best time to dance to a David Guetta song, it’s Crotch Fest 2015 and you’re sitting front row, baby.

The Balancing Acts: These are the people who refuse to hold onto any of the bars, handles or seats available to them. Like an inflatable man in a used car lot, they’re all over the place. They’ve decided to declare war on physics and are bouncing into everyone, virtually turning the train car into a pinball machine. They will ultimately lose and in doing so fly into you with a look on their face like they’d seen the ghost of Albert Einstein.

The Glue-Butts: These are the people who refuse to get up for women, children, the disabled or the elderly. They sit there in a catatonic state, or worse, pretend to be asleep while those worthy of a seat are stuck standing. They act as if they’re physically glued to the chair and cannot move until their stop comes up. These are the people who have never lost a game of musical chairs.

The Early Risers: Their stop is coming up—in about 10 minutes. However, they’ve decided to get up from their seat right around the time the train is taking a turn so steep that everyone gasps and holds on for dear life. The train is turning and you feel as if you’re going sideways, but this person needs to get in between you and your sweaty grip. You let go and fall out of the train. No, maybe not that extreme, but you do fall onto someone who screams “Oh my God” while the person you allowed in front of you has now taken your spot.

The Concert Goers: These wonderful people have decided to save us some money and bring the concert to us. They don’t own headphones, nor have they even heard of them. Instead, they blare music through their phones and even sometimes through, if you’re lucky, giant boom box speakers. It’s typically a song that has 100 swear words a minute while women and children in strollers shake their heads or look on, wide-eyed. This city needs a headphone or earbud hero. Once he emerges, I’ll stand atop a rooftop with a spotlight and say, “He’s the hero Chicago deserves, but not the one it needs right now.” 

The Buffett Attendees: They’re hungry and they’ve decided the bus/train is the best place to eat. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about the people who are eating a banana here and there or those casually sipping a peppermint mocha because they’re excited about Christmas. I’m referring to the people who pull out a Thanksgiving feast, say grace, and then leave all of their trash scattered around for someone else to pick out. These are the people who bring a six-pack on the train, drink it during rush hour, and leave the empty cans to roll around for the rest of your trip. The CTA gods should curse these people and turn them into real-life versions of Oscar the Grouch.

So there you have it. A comprehensive CTA blacklist of Chicago’s worst train and bus riders. These types of people should be banned for life, or at least given a strict talking to by a Thomas the Train-type conductor.