Heard on the street, April 4, 2013, edition

You don�t want to be in diapers at 40.

I have a lot of gay friends, but he�s the gayest.

Someone tells me that bad tattoos are a new thing and that people like them.

I was kind of a church lady in college.

You know what I�m into, hipster? Douche-bag stuff. I like to go do douche-bag-y things.

I was going to go to a funeral tomorrow, but I�m not really in the mood to hear crying.

It�s like an arsenic sundae with a cherry on top.

I told her I was a Republican and she didn�t speak to me for ten minutes.

Why aren�t you wearing shoes? You look like a Hobbit.

Have you ever seen Portlandia? Austin is like that.

He�s definitely not someone you�d wanna see naked.