Heard on the street, March 14, 2013, edition

It�s my birthday and you�re talking about killing my dog.

I wanna go white-water rafting. I want my life in God�s hands for two hours.

When I get a dick pic, I know I�ve done something right.

There�s a woman here named Hamlet.

You don�t look like a person who missed a meal.

I beat Super Mario Kart while nursing your sister. Give me some credit!

Remember when I ran around that bar in assless underwear?

I never thought my morning routine would consist of me squatting on the floor fingering myself.

See, you�re not so bad when you�re not shitting the bed.

If straight men ever figure out how much fun dick is, our species is really in trouble.