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The people of KL

The six species of KL netizens
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The six species of KL netizens

1. The TLDR The TLDR is a rage-fuelled creature with sensitive little paws that’s unable to comprehend beyond the headline. Its activities include raging at Singapore and blaming everybody else (especially the government) for everything. Born with strong hind legs and quick reflexes, the TLDR is also skilled at jumping to conclusions. 2. The Memeoth When the Memeoth is around, things escalate quickly, tables are flipped, and challenges are accepted. Armed with an impressive arsenal of memes (which one does not simply use), the quick-witted Memeoth can be easily spotted by their arrow-pierced knees. They don’t actually add much to the conversation though. Much wow. 3. The Writer Taking delight in showcasing its extensive knowledge, the Writer enjoys pounding out novellas in the comments section, droning on about the history of the issue at hand. While we enjoy learning new things every now and then, we think they should be offered a column instead. 4. The Actifast One of the internet’s modern miracles, the Actifast is the secret to end world poverty. These self-proclaimed princes (apparently mostly from Nigeria) still quite can’t believe they managed to earn RM20,000 a week doing this from home. However, to keep your device safe (and spyware-free), we strongly advise you to refrain from going in search of this species. 5. The Lurker The Lurker paddles quietly in murky waters; it reads comments, doesn’t add anything to the conversation, and very occasionally gives a ‘li

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The five types of escalator wildlife in KL
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The five types of escalator wildlife in KL

Illustration: Aster Teoh   1. The Clogger When it comes to an escalator, the Clogger suddenly loses all ability to move and prefers to stand still while the escalator transports it upwards. What makes it a Clogger is the fact that it’s genetically programmed to stand in the centre, impeding the passage of others. This large family includes a subspecies with giant headphones to ignore the queue forming up behind it, the group that travels in packs to clog up the entire escalator, the shopper laden with shopping bags that should have taken the service lift instead, the two friends who just have to continue their conversation side-by-side, and the one that sits on the escalator. Then there’s the pièce de résistance – the individual that just stops as soon as it gets off the escalator. Watch from a safe distance. 2. The Couple There’s something about ascending or descending platforms that makes the Couple want to show their partner some affection. Scientists are currently trying to understand the effects that the escalator has on the reproductive systems of these critters. Perhaps Couples of unequal heights are finally balanced, or standing on a moving platform for 25 seconds doing nothing is too much for them. Make your way to the nearest shopping mall to see this species in action. 3. The Clomper No matter the time of day, the Clomper will always be in a hurry. You will hear them coming from the constant passive aggressive mutterings of ‘excuse me’s, coupled with

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The six species you see at the pasar malam in KL
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The six species you see at the pasar malam in KL

Illustration: YYYs       1. The Lemming If you ever need to capture a Lemming, just follow these simple rules. Step one: set up a food stall. Any food will do. Step two: install a queue of ten or more before it. True to its instincts, the Lemming will instantly attach itself to a crowd without knowing what it’s queuing up for. Remember: The longer the queue, the higher your chances. 2. The Enthusiast The Enthusiast is all for celebrating the food culture in Malaysia. Easily bewildered by the array of dishes, the poor Enthusiast usually ends up gathering enough sustenance to feed the entire village. Defining characteristics: large paws and muscular forelegs (to carry their loot). Gets carried away at the kuih stall. 3. The Predator This single-minded Predator is here for one thing only. No amount of neon-hued agar-agar or roti john variation can distract it from its mission. Watch in awe as they sweep in the cacophony, prowl with ease, and emerge, moments later, unscathed, with a single packet of nasi lemak balanced in its jaws before heading home in time for dinner. 4. The Hound One of the most common sights at the pasar malam, the Hound travels in packs, temporarily dispersing to hunt and gather provisions for the team. Without prior notice, the Hounds then reconvene right in the middle of the walkway to nose through and feed on the fruits of their labour, causing temporary pasar malam congestion. Give them a good prod with a satay stick to get them out of the w

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The five species of KL walkers
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The five species of KL walkers

1. The Wanderer Ah, the carefree Wanderer ambles along in slow motion, both the young and the old, perpetually stuck in a state of relaxation. It enjoys dawdling wherever it goes, meandering from left to right (and right to left), randomly admiring anything that catches its attention – ‘Look at that wee bird making a nest’; ‘Look! A new nasi lemak stall.’ Good luck trying to overtake them. 2. The Speedwalker This cyborg is one efficient species that’s getting ahead in life. Stalking along at impressive speeds (thanks to its long, long legs), the Speedwalker is perpetually in a rush to get to a meeting (or it just really wants to get home and curl up with the cat). It makes up for lost time by ruthlessly overtaking everyone else, half-running and emitting huffy ‘excuse me’s. Just get out of their way and observe at a safe distance. 3. The Turtle The epitome of evolution is this curious species with a thin sheet of glass and aluminium attached to its front flippers. Heads bowed, the Turtle communicates with its contemporaries (or captures fictional pocket monsters) by swiping frantically away on its phone. Although Turtles spend large amounts of time on the phone, all of them have to come up for air occasionally to refill their lungs. According to scientists, this head-bowing behaviour has made them especially vulnerable to predators.  When it reaches a certain level, the Turtle may evolve into the Ketchum, an incredibly fit specimen that travels great distances to captur

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The six species of bookstore wildlife in KL
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The six species of bookstore wildlife in KL

1. The Famous Five Along with the change of the seasons, The Famous Five shows up when the government issues free book vouchers. Like magic, this species will start appearing by the flocks when signs proclaiming the acceptance of BR1M vouchers mushroom at all major bookstores. The Famous Five then flaunts the stacks of vouchers to buy notebooks and miscellany. Meanwhile, the rest of us eye the vouchers hungrily. 2. Gaston On its first outing to the bookstore since its kindergarten days, Gaston only appears at the bookstore on the hunt for a gift for its bookworm friend, or when it suddenly gets the urge to reread a book it last encountered 20 years ago. It hangs out at the nearest customer service counter, displaying its ignorance and terrorising the staff with helpful descriptions like ‘the cover is green’ or ‘I think it’s about an orange clock’. 3. Mr Penumbra The longsuffering mainstay of every bookstore, the Mr Penumbra only took on the job due to its love of being surrounded by books all day long. It’s always rubbing its hands together in glee at the idea of introducing new reads to you. Identify it through muscular book-bearing forelimbs, elephantine book location memories, creative book-themed nests as well as remarkable patience for ignorant customers. Most Penumbras also harbour a secret desire to work for Flourish and Blotts. 4. Gandalf Also known as the You Shall Not Pass, the Gandalf is a sad by-product of an age where comfortable couches no longer belong i

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The eight types of café-goers in KL
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The eight types of café-goers in KL

1. The Triple Shot A close member of the raccoon family, the Triple Shot sports distinctive dark and puffy under eye facial markings, bloodshot eyes and small shaky paws (probably caused by overdosing on caffeine). With deadlines looming, it obsessively stakes plug-point territory with multiple cups of espressos, laptops and stacks of books. Find it at round-the-clock coffee establishments. 2. The Venti A subspecies of the Triple Shot includes the Venti, a freelancing creature that buys one giant cup of coffee and proceeds to hog a table for the rest of the day. Guide them towards the nearest co-working establishments. 3. The Flat White Like mosquitoes, the Flat White usually turns up around sunrise or sunset (for the best lighting). It buzzes around styling gorgeous shots of its café meals; perfectly pulled steamed milk in espresso is a must, as are artistically crumbed slices of cake, croissants and photogenic breakfast platters. Behavioural tics include perching on chairs and rearranging café furniture. Certain subspecies may start taking multiple selfies or potential album cover shots. 4. The Board Gamer Instead of going to actual board game cafés, the Board Gamer prefers to terrorise other café-goers by congregating wherever there are tables large enough to accommodate their games. A group of six to eight players may buy one single cup of coffee, bring their own board games (or card games), and spend the afternoon going on a rampage over ‘Settlers of Catan’ or wha

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The seven species of cinema-goers
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The seven species of cinema-goers

1. The Hermione The Hermione has either spent months anticipating the movie or has used a quick hour to read up on it just so it can squawk the plot or toss out bits of distracting trivia at completely unnecessary moments. If you’re allergic to spoilers, we suggest that you sit far away from them. We don’t want to know anything in advance, thank you. 2. The Snorlax The Snorlax is a species whose body automatically enters hibernation mode whenever they’re in the proximity of plush chairs and in a dark room. Desperately in need of a good night’s sleep, the Snorlax heads right into the cinema, lowers itself onto its seat, and then promptly falls asleep (regardless of what’s going on onscreen). Our sympathies if you’re in the general vicinity of one that snores. 3. The White Rabbit Suffering from a chronic case of bad timekeeping, the White Rabbit is usually identified by its hunched form shuffling along cinema seats, uttering mortified apologies for blocking the screen and injuring the paws of fellow cinema-goers. It’s our understanding that they prefer to miss the first half of the movie so as to spend the rest of the time figuring out what’s going on. 4. The Godzilla The Godzilla gets hungry easily. In preparation, they store food for the movie using extra large bags. Spot them by their oversized bags which serve the important purpose of sneaking food into the cinema. We have spotted some munching on whole large pizzas, sushi platters and even chicken rice during the mo

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The six species of Valentiners
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The six species of Valentiners

1. The OverachieverRaising the bar during Valentine’s Day (and every other day of the year, really) is the Overachiever, a species noted for its unusual and complex displays of courtship behaviour. From gifts and gestures such as a thousand banknote origami hearts in a mason jar to filling the room with helium balloons and bushes of roses, the Overachiever has tried them all. If your partner used to date one of them, good luck. 2. The PeacockThe Peacock is a fine example of evolution in this age of technology. Making a fine show of this special day on social media, this species makes sure you know everything: pictures of supremely detailed #throwback posts, giant bouquets at the office, constant selfies (and lots of #ootd) at the restaurant, images of bank-breaking presents, and more #couplegoals than you need will fill your feed. Give them the likes they want and hope they’ll strut far away from your life. 3. The UnpreparedUsually found muttering to itself, groaning at random intervals and pacing nervously at the card aisles at Hallmark and MPH, the Unprepared has forgotten that it’s one of the most important celebrations of the year and is now trying to salvage the situation with cheesy cards, stuffed toys and a box of chocolates. 4. The Guy Who Asks All The Girls OutThe Guy Who Asks All The Girls Out fully trusts in the power of maximising his odds. Short of gyrating with a puffed up chest at every available potential mate that passes his way, this species tries everyth

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Food battles

Korean instant noodles
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Korean instant noodles

Nongshim, RM4.90 Noodles Nongshim’s noodles were somewhat thicker than its compatriots. They also absorbed the soup quickly, becoming soggy in the process. Add-ons The most generous of them all, Nongshim comes with large squares of thick kombu and slices of dehydrated fish cake. Taste Nongshim’s spicy beef cup noodles are the stuff of legends, but this seafood version turned out to be a thin, briny broth. Too much seafood, not enough spice. Verdict We like Nongshim’s generous additions of kombu, but the slightly soggy noodles and too tame broth tilted the odds. Paldo, RM5.50 Noodles Paldo’s noodles were relatively thin, bearing close resemblance to Maggi noodles in thickness. Add-ons Paldo’s add-ons were scarce – bits of mushroom and scallions were scattered loosely in the cup. Taste Paldo’s strongly salted soup base could use a bit more heat in the spice department. Compensate with your own red chilli pepper flakes. Verdict Paldo could’ve been a close contender for the House Cup, but a few points were shaved off for its thin noodles. Yeul, RM4.90 Noodles Yeul has superior noodles with good chew, just the right thickness, and were springy from the beginning to the end of the meal. Add-ons Somewhat similar to Paldo’s offerings of spring onions and dehydrated mushrooms. Taste Yeul’s opaque soup base is richer, more flavourful, and most importantly, lives up to its spicy label. Nice pedas kick there. Verdict Winner! With bouncy noodles and spicy soup

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Cultured milk drinks
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Cultured milk drinks

Calci-Yum, RM4.34 for a pack of five, 110ml each Packaging Calci-Yum’s foray into cultured milk drinks comes in a tall, curvy, yellow 110ml bottle with ‘Art Attack’-like splashes of blue. Straws come in a separate pack. Appearance The calcium-boosting Calci-Yum is a pure shade of white with the slightest hint of separation of water and milk. Texture Watery and slightly diluted. Flavour  Calci-Yum had a fruity and syrupy aftertaste that should not appear in a conversation about milky drinks. Verdict Calci-Yum might contain calcium for strong bones, but it’s definitely not yum. Vitagen, RM4.99 for a pack of five, 125ml each Packaging The iconic Vitagen is the usual fat bottle (suspiciously similar to Yakult bottles in Japan) with an easy grip design and sealed with gold foil. Appearance The original-flavoured Vitagen is an off-white hue. The drink also seems to have a slightly thicker consistency than the others. Texture Pekat. Flavour  Vitagen delivered an overwhelming punch of sourness, while also being very sweet. This was almost an assault on our taste buds. Verdict We’ll have to stick to apple green Vitagen from now. Yakult Ace, RM4.30 for a pack of five, 80ml each Packaging We like the mini adjustable straw that comes attached to each individual bottle of 80ml Yakult Ace. There’s even an illustrated straw removal guide. Appearance Compared to its counterparts, Yakult sports a distinctly creamy yellow tint. Texture Smooth and light. Flavour Yaku

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Dates
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Dates

Yusuf Taiyoob, RM11.99 PackagingYusuf Taiyoob’s Safia range of Tunisian dates comes in a box printed with designs of the desert, complete with illustrations of date palms. Very educational. Plus, there’s a large ‘window’ in the centre of the box, allowing consumers to take a good peek at the dates before deciding on the purchase.  AppearanceAfter the unboxing ceremony, we noticed that the smallish dark brown dates (all attached to their branches) had patches of sticky dried juice on it. TextureYusuf Taiyoob’s dates were comparatively juicier, with an easy bite. TasteThe raisin-looking Yusuf Taiyoob had a very strong sweet taste. It gave some of us a sugar high. VerdictIt’s a close battle, but sorry, Yusuf Taiyoob, we like the whispering (and we understand that dates are naturally very high in sugar), but a sugar high isn’t a good state to be in after a day of fasting. Eat this for sahur instead. Sunsweet, RM12.99 PackagingWhile Sunsweet’s box has a smaller ‘window’ which restricted the view of our dates, the overall design (travellers on camels, rays of sun, a silhouette of the desert) evokes ‘Arabian Nights’ and the upcoming Raya celebrations. Very festive. We approve. Also, a tagline proclaims that we’ll be purchasing a box of ‘Smart Dates, natural with branches’. Intriguing. AppearanceSunsweet’s dates were visibly larger and while the skin was more wrinkled, the dates did have a lighter colour. One blind taster commented on its ‘squidgy’ appearance. TextureSu

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Instant Japanese beef curry
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Instant Japanese beef curry

House, RM7.31 Packaging This packet of instant Japanese curry rice (also known as ‘kare raisu’) is a sunny yellow with whimsical illustrations of garlic and coriander. Appearance House’s curry comes in a rather yellowish shade of brown, with sizeable beef slices. Scent An assault on the senses; there was a distinct smell of cinnamon and assorted roasted spices in this curry. Flavours There was a very subtle spicy hint, but it was the sweetness that got a bit curried away and seemed slightly artificial after a few bites. Verdict We like the packaging and sizeable additions of protein, but we think curries should retain a certain degree of spiciness. Hachi, RM7.31 Packaging We don’t care much for Hachi’s modern packaging with lots of swirly green and black designs, but we like the helpful illustrated cooking instructions. Apparently this is a boil-in-the-bag Japanese curry. Appearance Hachi’s curry is a rich caramel-brown, with small cubes of soft carrots and even smaller (peppercorn-sized) bits that turned out to be ground beef. Scent In comparison to House, Hachi had a richer, meatier scent that was pleasantly appetising. Flavours The spices in this curry are well-balanced, with a pleasant sweet note that went well with the spicy, beefy flavours of the curry. We wished we had more rice to mop it up. Verdict Hachi is a deserving winner in this battle of the kare raisu due to its robust flavours and fragrant beefiness. Find these instant Japanese beef cu

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Klangers

#14
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#14

'Yoghurt got more culture than you.'

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#13: Pokémon Go edition
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#13: Pokémon Go edition

'We have a Rattata infestation.'

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#12
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#12

'We have a teh tarik crisis.'

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#11
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#11

'Can someone turn off the sun?'

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Comments

7 comments
Yimizy l
Yimizy l

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Yimizy l
Yimizy l

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Lyn A
Lyn A

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Yimizy l
Yimizy l

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Yimizy l
Yimizy l

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chuah s
chuah s

HI, may i know when will the Ultraman Contest results be announced? thanks

Kamalika R
Kamalika R

Since you will be travelling with your family, make sure you choose the safest mode of transport i.e. buses, Check RED bus well in advance.