The Problem with Piffles

Fighting off knights, being spurned by princesses, labouring under the dark arts – it can be a dog’s life being a magic dragon. You’d think that having a so-cute-it-hurts pet would take the edge off – and those who have seen Piff the Magic Dragon performing one of his hilarious and technically terrific conjuring shows will know that his Chihuahua, Mr Piffles, is possibly the cutest dog ever. Yet audiences also realise that, outlandish as it seems, Piffles appears to be a source of as much irritation to Piff as enjoyment. So, in a spirit of therapeutic engagement, we asked Piff to get some of those frustrations off his scaly chest and tell us – just what is it about Piffles that gets your goat?

‘There’s nothing uglier than a fat chihuahua. Fact. Your diet of biscuit and water is good for you, Mr Piffles. Stop giving me the eyes of poverty and despair and get back on that treadmill.’

‘Mr Piffles is the equivalent of a Harry Potter invisibility cloak. I step out with him and suddenly I no longer exist. People say hello to him first! Princesses fall in love at first sight. But I’m a magic dragon! I want attention from princesses too! These days, I’m just the guy who holds the dog. Bleak.’

‘Mr Piffles might look like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth but secretly he’s a diva. And divas don’t like to share the spotlight. So when Piffles spies another dog he barks like a bat out of hell. If bats could bark. What can I say? I’m embarrassed to be with you, Piffles.’

‘When I first had Mr Piffles, he had a certain special kind of affection reserved for upholstery. This climaxed, so to speak, in one unfortunate incident on the tube when the look of horror on a packed coach made me realise something needed to be done. So Mr Piffles got done.’

‘He farts all the time. And then plays innocent eyes. Leaving everyone else in the lift pointing the finger at the poor defenceless little Magic Dragon.’

‘Chihuahuas shake, people. Deal with it. Happy, sad, excited, afraid, cold, hot, low blood sugar, high blood sugar – they shake. Either that or my one is stuck on vibrate mode.’

‘I’ve heard these are usually pleasant affairs synonymous with an easy ride. But when it’s raining – and I’m dragging Mr Piffles along like a bedraggled rat on a string and he falls in a puddle that comes up to his ears and I have to give him a straw just so he can breathe and he ends up snorkelling home and getting mud all over the carpet – it’s no such thing.’

‘Restaurants have signs saying “No dogs allowed”. Fine. Except guide dogs. What? What’s the difference? It’s still a dog. Does he use cutlery? Does he wash his paws after he goes to the toilet? No. So I would like a new law stating No dogs allowed except guide dogs and Magic Performing Chihuahuas.’

‘Mr Piffles, I am happy to take you to the cinema on regular occasions. And I enjoy our time together. Really, I do. But is it so wrong that I want to eat popcorn and you are not allowed it because it will make you fat and ugly? See point 1. And stop crying. And whimpering. Oh fine. Just eat the popcorn.’

‘Mr Piffles, you have got to get your shit together. Seriously. It’s all over the floor. And I for one am tired of picking it up like Naomi Campbell on community service.’