The 25 toughest things about being single in LA

It ain't easy being a single guy or gal in LA. Next time your smug married friends tell you to put yourself out there, send this along.

0

Comments

Add +
Ten million Angelenos out there and you're still single. Stings, don't it?

Ten million Angelenos out there and you're still single. Stings, don't it? Photograph: Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

1. That hottie you just met? Yeah, he/she is an actor, a.k.a. unemployed.


2. Or they're a bartender at that awesome new spot in your neighborhood, but after a bad date you realize you can never, ever go back there.


3. Living on the Eastside and going on a date with someone who lives in Venice, or vice versa. Even if things go well, you're just going to find yourself in a long distance relationship.


4. When you hear about the amazing apartment your couple friends are looking at, knowing they can actually afford it because they're splitting the rent.


5. Ladies, when people exclaim that you can't hike alone or walk by yourself at night because "what if something bad happens?" and you half resent them, half agree with them.


6. The vicious cycle of thinking you should lose weight to improve your odds, then eating your feelings because it fucking sucks being single. In-N-Out, juice cleanse, In-N-Out, juice cleanse...


More like desperation you can taste.

More like desperation you can taste. Photograph: Derek Key

7. On those rare days when it's gloomy or rainy, you don't have a partner to snuggle/watch movies/listen to records with all day.


8. Walks of shame exist here. They may just be to your car/Uber, but they still exist and they still suck.


9. Summer in LA is essentially a celebration of coupledom. Hollywood Bowl, Cinespia and Barnsdall wine tastings are great with friends, but better with a date. Which is who everyone else is with.


10. Headshots on dating profiles. Make it stop.


11. It's been said that anyone in New York City can get laid if they drink at the bar 'til 4am when standards are drastically lowered. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) LA's early last call just doesn't allow enough time for that.


12. Pretty much every TV show set in LA (Entourage, The L Word, 90210) makes it look like Angelenos can have sex with an attractive stranger/acquaintance seemingly at will. But in reality we're home alone watching it happen on Netflix—while half-heartedly browsing Tinder.


THIS ISN'T REAL.

THIS ISN'T REAL. Photograph: Paul Michaud, courtesy Showtime

13. Vowing to only date people who live on your side of town, then regretting it after you break up and suddenly see them everywhere, all the time.


14. Everyone's always looking for the better deal. With ten million people to choose from, the fantasy persists that a better person is right around the corner, no matter how good your present company may be.


15. The freeways constantly remind you that you're single. Thanks, carpool lanes.


16. That moment of terror/envy when the kiss cam comes on at Dodgers/Lakers/Clippers/Kings games. Time for a beer run.


17. Not being able to drop off your significant other to put your name in at Din Tai Fung while you park, or pick up your Mozza 2 Go order while you circle.


18. Being coupled up means you've got a ride to and from LAX. Single life means shelling out bucks or begging for a ride on Facebook.


19. Finding yourself at El Matador or Griffith Observatory during golden hour, unintentionally photobombing happy couples' photos.


Engagement photo mecca.

Engagement photo mecca. Photograph: Courtesy Griffith Observatory

20. Being asked to take said happy couples' pictures. It's not like you have anything(one) better to do.


21. Small plate menus are just awkward when you're the only single person in a group full of couples.


22. Stalking all the LA wedding blogs and wondering how you'll ever afford to get married at Huntington Library... then feeling embarrassed for even looking when you're so goddamn single.


23. You'd think taking a new flame to a movie premiere would make you seem pretty cool. Problem is, that's a standard date here.


24. People who list "hiking" in their dating profiles but only really hike Runyon (yawn) twice a year.


25. If you're a straight guy on Tinder in LA, you're literally competing against celebrities like Terrell Owens and Pauly Shore. Even Pauly Shore is getting laid more than you. We rest our case.



Users say

2 comments
JoAnn W
JoAnn W

Tired of dating let us do the work for you... Mastermatchmakers,com

Wendy H
Wendy H

I realize this is humorous but once you start meeting some of these 10 million fish, you'll understand why most are worth tossing right back into the ocean. Sometimes being single is the price for discernment and standards, and there's always casual sex available to any of us with looks.