33 things that will definitely happen to you when moving to Chicago
Your first year after moving to Chicago can be full of surprises, but the following are all pretty much guaranteed
Tue Jul 15 2014
Photograph: Matthew Bowie
Welcome to Chicago! Now go buy a parka. We kid—there's more to Chicago than punishing winters. When you first move to the city, you'll discover there's also a summer here, for about two months, and in that short time span you will suck the very marrow out of this town. But there are plenty of other things you should prepare yourself for in order to smooth your transition into big-city life. (Seriously, though, go buy a parka.)
1. You will have an argument about ketchup.
2. You will embark on a deep, though imaginary, love affair with Tom Skilling.
3. You will learn how to say "cold beer" in Polish (zimne piwo).
4. You will throw on a pair of shorts when it "heats up" to 45 degrees.
5. You will find yourself singing phone numbers like 588-2300 and 773-202-LUNA.
6. You will discover that when people say they are "from Chicago" they are usually from the suburbs.
7. You will angrily tell your cabbie that you can indeed pay with a credit card.
8. You will learn that "cornhole" is not as dirty as it sounds, and how to play it.
9. You will ponder why so many people eat Flamin' Hot Cheetos, after constantly seeing empty bags on the ground.
10. You will have your bike or parts of it stolen.
11. You will talk indignantly about how South Side is ignored and then never go there.
12. You will begin to find corrupt politicians kind of endearing.
13. You will begrudgingly pay up for an umbrella with wind vents.
14. You will keep the Cubs schedule on your phone, not because you are a fan but because you want to avoid the Red Line like the plague on game days.
15. You will become adept at parallel parking in a space the exact length of your car. A little nudging never hurts.
16. You will get irritated at tourists holding up traffic by asking bus drivers for directions, even though you were doing the same thing a few months ago.
17. You will realize that the lakefront bike path is a people-choked clusterfuck and will avoid it at all costs.
18. You will go on several architecture tours, and they will never get boring.
19. You will take a summer trip to the Wisconsin Dells, and enjoy all the cheese (figurative and literal curds).
20. You will find a favorite hot dog stand and defend it vehemently against anyone who disagrees.
21. You will be equally excited and terrified the first time the temperature dips below zero.
22. You will be astonished at how clean Chicago is compared to other cities.
23. You will go to Navy Pier...once.
24. You will knock everyone for eating dinner so early in the winter, until suddenly eating at 4pm sounds like a good idea.
25. You will quickly pick Cubs or Sox, even if you don't care about baseball.
26. You will be dismayed at the lack of mountains, or hills, or topography of any kind, really.
27. You will learn there's no such thing as a snow day here.
28. You will break up with someone because they don't live near a convenient El stop.
29. You will find out who Peter Francis Geraci is and become accustomed to his monotone.
30. You will be surprised how much Lake Michigan looks like an ocean, until it fucking freezes.
31. You will quickly learn the names of every local brewery and start to drink more beer than ever before.
32. You will turn down a job in the suburbs just because of the commute.
33. You will discover there are no sweeter words to a commuter than "this train will now run express to Lake."
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@Shiggy D TROLL
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