Season seven, episode ten
Before filming the seventh season, Rob McElhenney, who plays Mac, deliberately gained 50 pounds of weight because he thought it would be funny. It was! His new look is only touched upon for most of season seven, until this episode where Mac visits a priest to ‘confess’ what happened.
Priest ‘In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, what is your confession?’
Mac ‘I’m fat.’
Mac ‘I’m just going to plough ahead, because I’m sensing some resistance. Dennis always tells me, “Never let someone’s resistance stop you from getting what you want.”’
Bar customer ‘Hey, this drink tastes like bleach.’
Charlie ‘Because I’m dipping them in bleach so I can clean them faster. I don’t have time to wash every single glass! I dip it in bleach, then it’s clean.’
Season two, episode seven
Conning religious people out of money. The gang find a water stain in the office at Paddy’s Pub that looks like the Virgin Mary, so Frank decides to start charging punters for a glimpse of the ‘miracle’. Mac and Charlie, high on the spiritual circumstances, get super-religious and become rival preachers.
Charlie ‘Here’s a confession: I’m in love with a man. What? I’m in love with a man. A man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.’
Frank ‘It could be a miracle, it could be bullshit. There’s only one thing we know for sure. It’s a goddamn gold mine.’
Charlie ‘Now, technically, that stain did appear to me. Also, I am familiar with carpentry and I don’t know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don’t know, I could be, I’m not ruling it out.’
Season seven, episode two
Dennis and Dee convince the gang to go on a trip to their old vacation spot, the Jersey Shore, but soon discover it’s now mainly filled with stray dogs and homeless men having sex under the boardwalk. Meanwhile, Frank and Mac fall asleep on a dinghy while eating a ham soaked in rum and drift out to sea…
Mac ‘What’s that? You were supposed to get booze!’
Frank ‘This is ham, soaked in rum. It’s loaded with booze.’
Mac ‘God damn it, Frank, eating your drinks? That is genius.’
Dennis ‘What’s wrong with the Jersey Shore?’
Mac ‘Come on, you’ve seen that TV show. It’s just a bunch of sweaty Guidos getting hopped up on energy drinks and giving each other diseases.’
Charlie ‘Holy shit, is that the ocean?’
Dennis ‘Yeah, buddy, that’s the ocean.’
Charlie ‘What’s on the other side of it?’
Charlie ‘Now how long would it take…?’
Dennis ‘Do not try to swim to Europe.’
Season two, episode three
Dennis and Dee discover they can make more money from unemployment benefits, so quit their jobs at Paddy’s Pub. But Mac reminds them that those benefits only last a short while, so Dennis and Dee get hooked on crack to make them eligible for welfare instead.
Dennis [to the welfare officer] ‘Hi. I’m a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I’d like some welfare, please.’
Drug dealer ‘What do you need?’
Dennis ‘Err, one please.’
Drug dealer ‘One what?’
Dennis ‘Er, one rock of crack, a crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough?’
Dee ‘How much would you recommend for a first time user?’
Charlie ‘I’m gonna get nice and drunk, and play some video games until my eyes bleed.’
Season five, episode nine
After Dee compares flatmates Mac and Dennis to a married couple, they decide to spend some time apart. Dee, meanwhile, has bought a cat, but somehow it crawls into the wall space in her apartment and she can’t get it out. The ever-inventive Charlie has a solution, though: more cats! His plan? Tie a piece of string to another cat, put it in the wall so the pair become codependent, and then pull the two cats out. Unsurprisingly, the plan fails spectacularly.
Charlie ‘Cat in the wall, eh? OK, now you’re talking my language. I know this game.’
Charlie ‘Oh, I’ll get you another cat. I got followed here by, like, ten cats. They’re starting to follow me these days.’
Mac ‘Jesus Christ, Frank, are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?’
Frank ‘Ah! Botched toe! I botched that one! That’s a botch job. That’s bleeding, I need some trash to plug up the cut.’
Season one, episode one
From the first episode, ‘IASIP’ sets the tone with a ‘did they really go there? ’scenario. Dee brings her new black friend, Terrell, to Paddy’s Pub and he offers to help promote the bar. It’s a success! But the gang fail to realise he’s transformed their pub into a gay bar. Meanwhile, Charlie is overheard quoting Terrell’s use of the ‘N-word’, so sets out to prove he’s not racist by befriending black college students.
Dennis ‘I hate listening to people’s dreams. It’s like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I’m not in any of them, and nobody’s having sex, I just don’t care.’
Dee ‘You’re not gay, you’re just really, really, vain.’
Terrell ‘Nothing scares gays and black folks like Irish crap.’
Season seven, episode three
Frank accidentally invests in a child beauty pageant, and is terrified of people thinking he’s a child molester, so constantly explains that he doesn’t ‘diddle’ kids, while Dee decides to get payback on stage moms everywhere by helping the underdog contestant to win.
Frank ‘Welcome to our legitimate show of kids.’
Frank ‘You know, kids are great. I love the kids… Not in a sexual way! No, I’m– I was married 20 years, and she was a bitch, but she was old, and I never had a problem getting it up with her.’
Frank ‘We gotta write a song about how we do not diddle kids.’
Mac ‘There is no quicker way for people to think that you’re diddling kids than by writing a song about it.’
Season five, episode eight
The gang all have ideas for Paddy’s merchandise – Dennis suggests ‘Paddy’s Thong’ and Mac comes up with the ‘Dick Towel’ – to try to one-up Charlie’s invention: kitten mittens. Yep, knitted footwear for cats, to make their footsteps quieter. Because we’ve all thought cat footfall is too loud, right?
Charlie ‘Hello, Charlie Kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast. Is your cat making too much noise all the time?’
Frank ‘You can’t take somebody’s idea, change the name, and sell it!’
Mac ‘That’s the American way, bro.’
Dee ‘We really like the fact that you don’t charge.’
Lawyer ‘I do charge! You don’t pay.’
Season four, episode seven
Charlie and Frank, who are living together in a studio apartment and sharing a bed, burst into the bar carrying human faeces in a Tupperware container. Two poops have mysteriously appeared in their bed over the last two nights, but both Charlie and Frank insist it wasn’t them. So with the gang’s help, they try to discover: who pooped the bed?
Frank ‘Because poop is funny!’
Artemis ‘My name’s Artemis. I have a bleached asshole.’
Dee ‘If we’re going to be meeting sophisticated men, we need to start acting with class, we cannot be telling people that we have bleached assholes.’
Season four, episode 13
Charlie writes and stages an epic musical about an evil character called the Nightman, who provides innocent boys with manliness and power. The lyrics, however, sound more like the Nightman rapes children. Frank is cast as the troll, but struggles with some of the lyrics, especially ‘boy’s soul’.
Frank [singing] ‘You gotta pay the troll toll/If you wanna get into that boy’s hole.’
Charlie ‘She also transcribed my work into a format you might consider a little bit more legible.’
Dee ‘Or literate. She added words to it.’
Frank ‘Charlie, who’s gonna play the troll guy?’
Charlie ‘You’re gonna play the troll guy.’
Frank ‘I’m the troll guy?’
Charlie ‘Who else would be the troll?’
Frank ‘I like that! Can I do it naked?’