Time Out Singapore’s chef columnist, Bjorn Shen of Artichoke, on not knowing what else to say...
Photo: Ahmad Iskandar Photography
When running a restaurant, I occasionally have experiences that leave me not knowing whether to laugh or cry – here are a few of them, completely unedited.
An email
Sender: Hi, happened to chance upon your website. I dropped by your shop and bought five pita breads last week. Not so nice as they were a bit tasteless.
I know that you might be fine tuning the products as it was just newly opened. Wonder can have complimentary treat out of goodwill?
Me: Hi there, thanks for your email!
The breads are indeed meant to be plain. They are traditionally eaten with dips, which are readily available at our shop. Perhaps you’d like to pick a tub to go with the breads next time you come? :-)
Sender: Thanks for the prompt reply. Is it complimentary? I’ll probably drop by in a few weeks’ time.
Sure! Because you obviously don’t seem like you’re fishing for freebies…
A Phone call
Caller: HI, I wanna make a booking for my alumni gathering next Saturday night. I haven’t officially blasted out any invites yet, but it’ll probably be around 10-20 pax? Can you just set aside a table of 20 for me?
Sure! Because we would gladly block off 25 percent of our precious seating capacity for you on a Saturday night when you’re unsure of how many people will actually come...
Another email
Sender: Hi, I would like to explore using your venue to plan a marketing activity that will include 10 good looking people/influencers/bloggers to sashay into your premise and seat on the prior reserved table.
They will go about with the ordering of food and drinks like everyone else and once they are served, the emcee will appear and bring attention to that table and welcome people to approach them and take photos with them.
We might consider also letting them fill in some quiz and we will buy everyone a round of drinks/dessert for disturbing their lunch. We will then pay and sashay out in ‘style’.
Sure! Because your suggestion is not a total insult to the intelligence and self-worth of my good customers…
An online review
Keyboard Warrior: Finally we had the famous “sticky date pudding”, this was just taking the piss. Its just watered down peanut butter, with grass jelly, topped with ground up Chinese peanut cakes and sugar. No dates, nothing sticky.
Sure! Because the dessert you are referring to is not ‘sticky date pudding’…
Yet another online review
Keyboard Warrior: 1 / 5 stars. Horrible service! I’ve been calling since this morning and no ones picking up? I wanted to make reservation for tonight. Guess I’ll have to take my business elsewhere!
Sure! Because today’s Monday, and the same website you’re writing this review on does not clearly state that we are closed on Mondays… Oh, wait a minute. It does…
An old acquaintance
Dude: Eh bro, I heard you opened a restaurant! Wah, restaurant business is tough… Ok I bring lots of people to come and support!
Me: Thanks, man! I really appreciate it!
Dude: Eh, if I come got discount anot?
Sure! Because I can tell you really, really, really want to lend an old mate a hand...