The latest sign of the apocalypse's imminence and the death of the media is a blond Austrian fashion journalist called Brüno. The Eurotrash bombshell will be shown strutting down the catwalks of America and interviewing the biggest stars of today when his eponymous film comes to our shores next week. We turned the tables on Mr. B., and had various celebrities ask him some of the hard questions that are usually his stock-in-trade.
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Scarlett Johansson asks: "How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?"
It can take a vhile deciding vhat to wear. Once ich took five hours choosing vhich of my little dogs vent best vith my shirt. In ze end zey vere taking up so much time, I had zem put down.
Victoria's Secret supermodel Miranda Kerr asks: "Who is your favorite fashion designer in the world and why?"
Ich cannot say because all ze others vill kill themselves, und ich don't vant zere blood on mein hands. Unless zat is zis week's look.
Kim Kardashian asks: "Since you're always on TV, what are your beauty tips to keep you looking so good?"
Ich put ein pillow in front of ze toilet und sing "Bulimian Rhapsody."
Jerry Springer asks: "Which religion is the most fashionable?"
Ich vas going to say Buddhism, but ich could not support ein religion zat encourages overeating. Zere Pope, Buddha, is so fat he can vear only underpants.
Janice Dickinson asks: "Who is the world's hottest model?"
It vould be Tiger Voods. He looks great in all his golfing outfits, und on top of zat he's President of America.
Fashion designer Sir Paul Smith asks: "Who is your style icon?"
Ich am always inspired by amazing people. Like vhen Princess Diana visited zose African children vith ze land mines. Ich vas inspired to be as thin as zem.
Twiggy asks: "What will be the hot look of 2010, in your opinion?"
Ich vould like to be vearing ze thighs of ein young Brad Pitt clone.
Former British heavyweight boxer Frank Bruno asks: "Which Bruno would win a boxing match: me or you?"
Me. Ich have fought harder over belts zan you ever did!
Lauren Weisberger, author of The Devil Wears Prada, asks: "How do you cope with a bad hair day?"
Ich don't know. Ich hast never had one.
Rainn Wilson asks: "What color is Tuesday?"
Vell, Tuesday is mein colonic day, so for me it's every color of ze rainbow!
Dita Von Teese asks: "To what lengths would you go in order to get into a hot party?"
Ich hid in ein disco ball und rolled my vay up a disabled ramp into ein pool party vhere I nearly drowned.
Joan Rivers asks: "Who the hell is Brüno?"
Who is Brüno? Zat is fine coming from you. You've had so much surgery ze question should be: "Vhat is Joan Rivers?"
LeAnn Rimes asks: "What's been your worst fashion disaster?"
Ich bought ein pair of parachute trousers. Zey worked as trousers, but not as ein parachute.
Russell Brand asks: "What do you look for in a pair of underpants?"
Ze usual—cocken, ballen, arschen, luben.
Ashlee Simpson-Wentz asks: "Where do you stand on fur?"
Personally ich don't like it, but if waxing is too painful ich understand.
Perez Hilton asks: "Where were you and what were you doing when you first realized you were gay?"
Being gay ist like drinking beer. You try it at first and don't like ze taste, zen you do it enough und you can't live without it.
Brüno opens July 10.