Eat-pisode (CLOSED)

When longtime New Yorkers bemoan the Starbucksification of the Lower East Side, they’re not picturing BYOB bistros like Eat-pisode—but they should. Headache-inducing house music pounds off the brick-and-cement walls at this trendy haunt, which packs loudmouthed, khaki-clad gentrifiers elbow to elbow in a dimly lit L-shaped tunnel. Though appetizers show a spark of imagination (the Eat-pisode Roll is packed with juicy bits of chicken and sticky black rice, and drenched in a sweet coconut sauce), the restaurant’s entrées are as unbecoming as its patrons. The watery green curry, served with mushy Thai eggplant and exactly three strips of spongy tofu, is trumped only by the Seafood Rama, a jumble of shrimp, scallops, freezer-quality broccoli and rubbery, tire-size calamari rings drowning in a runny peanut sauce. Here’s to neighborhood revitalization.