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Why dating totally sucks in New York

A Midwest transplant sounds off on five years’ worth of courting woes in the Big Apple

Have you heard the term ghosting? I hadn’t until moving to New York City from Chicago; now I use it regularly. It’s when you have a bunch of awesome dates with somebody, and then one day, they suddenly stop responding to your texts: They have ghosted you. Part of you might wonder, Did my date simply lose his or her phone? Or perhaps go into hiding to make me an epic six-date anniversary present? Okay, that’s unlikely, but what if?!?

Ghosting—how fitting that this phenomenon takes its name from those invisible entities made up entirely of sadness—is a particularly New Yorky dating frustration. Back in the Midwest, ladies were so nice that I once got let down easy by a lady before we went out. It stunk, but I appreciated it. Maybe New Yorkers just don’t have time for courtesy.

Over the holidays, I was seeing a woman who’d recently relocated from Boston. I invited her out for Chinese food at Mile End on Christmas Eve. It was our sixth date, and we decided to dress up. (I tore off my breakaway pants in anticipation, à la Gob in Arrested Development.) Dinner was ridiculously fun and we both got pretty drunk, so things progressed, if you know what I mean. And what I mean is I thought, at the very least, we’d see each other again. (Get your mind out of the gutter!) But then, she ghosted me.

Perhaps she just wanted someone new; this city also instills FOMO (fear of missing out), and it’s possible that she had already picked up that habit. Not that I can totally blame her—New York is packed with so many interesting singles that it makes sense to not want to be tied down.

Or perhaps she just couldn’t be bothered to get back to me. Whatever the case, it was pretty infuriating. I told last week’s three OkCupid dates about December’s frustrating ghosting debacle. And I’ll probably tell the fourth…if she ever texts me back.

Follow Steve Heisler on Twitter: @steveheisler

Comments

6 comments
e
e

This has nothing to do with New York, it happens in every city on Earth and guess what: Guys do it  too.


Stop complaining and grow a pair.

Johnny F
Johnny F

@e "Stop complaining and grow a pair." Bull$hit response that lacks any empathy. Ghosting sucks and the people that ghost are self-centered and spineless. It's extremely disrespectful and lacks any empathy towards the other person. People that ghost need to "grow a pair". It's not hard to say "Thank you, but I'm not interested in you". It would be much better for the other person to move on quickly cause they know where they stand, instead of waiting around for days hoping to hear from you. Ghosting also breeds non-commitment and defensive dating. People then tend to not invest in one relationship and instead have several relationships at the same time since all the eggs in one basket concept turns true if the basket is never heard of again. So much undeserved time, hope, and emotional turmoil is wasted on people that ghost simply because they have a lack of a moral compass and courage. People that ghost are usually the one's that don't know what it's like to put themselves out there to begin with. If they were on the receiving end, they would know that it is not the right thing to do.

Annie
Annie

I was just introduced to the non-joys of being ghosted. This is why technology is making people lazy! When texting replaces conversations you normally have during dates, it's only natural that texting will replace other normal forms of communication as well. This sucks. I too went on a number of good dates in the city and then slowly I started being faded out. It sucks! I think people these days are too self-involved and they're forgetting how to date, be courteous and be appreciative of other people's time. Because if you didn't like a person from the get go, you wouldn't have asked them out on several dates. I think after a month or two you owe it to the person you're dumping to at least call them. It shows appreciation and respect. Ghosting someone is cowardly. I was hoping to read more though! This article is too short and anti-climatic.

Archie
Archie

The problem is not that you're in New York, but that she was from Boston, where the women are, by and large, awful.

l.thomas
l.thomas

"dating totally sucks in New York " because you got ghosted a couple times. What a boring story.

juli
juli

Telling your new dates how someone else lost interest in you is a sure fire way for those girls to lose interest in you too. Talk about your good qualities and be positive. The right girl will come along. Dating in New York is different but not impossible.