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Abigoliah Schamaun: Why I prefer British men over Americans

abigoliah schamaun
Steve Ullathorne

Comedian Abigoliah Schamaun explains her dating preferences ahead of her 'Post-Coital Confessions' show at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe 2015.

Men?!?!? Am I right ladies!?!?!? They’re all the same… or so I thought. I’ve always assumed that men all over the world are the same. Not so. My research has proven that gentlemen in the good old UK are a superior choice to the US bros I’ve encountered in my home country.

When I started my research I was sceptical, but like the saying goes, ‘Once you go British you never go… uh… gibberish?’ Anyway, as I was saying, British blokes are better for two main reasons. 

First off, thanks to British politeness, dating has become a cheaper hobby for me. I know it’s 2015 and that in these tough economic times one should be willing to go halvsies on a night out. However, I have noticed in Britannia that, when it comes to the bill, if you make no gesture to take out your own money, the gentleman you’ve spent the evening with will pay. I don’t think it exactly chivalry so much as him being too polite to say anything. It’s those good British manners that make me want to take my clothes off for a person.

Once in America I’d been on four or five dates with a guy and he had paid for all of them. This is rare, and was very kind of him. On our last date, I had decided beforehand that I would treat, because he had so far. When the check came, and before I had said anything, he pushed the bill in my direction and exclaimed, ‘We don’t have to do this whole me paying thing anymore right? I mean, why? We’ve already slept together.’ I was so appalled that I emigrated.

Secondly, British men are better dressers. When an American man gets dressed he gives the crumpled clothes on his floor a shake and declares it a suitable outfit. But when a British man gets dressed he gives a damn.

When I first moved to London I was doing a lot of internet dating. I’m in my late 20s and am too busy to look up from my phone to meet anyone in person. After messaging back and forth with a particular gentleman, I decided to meet for a drink on a Friday night.

While we were texting to work out the details he details he declared, ‘I’m going to wear a suit.’

To which I replied, ‘We’re just going to a bar.’

‘Yes, but on a Friday. Never want to miss a chance to dress up!’

AND HE WORE A SUIT! ON OUR FIRST DATE! He wasn’t even coming from a funeral or anything! And may I say, with him in his coat and tie, and me in my little black dress, we turned heads.

At the end of the day, I’m a kid at heart. But I’m done dating people who express their own youthful spirit by wearing their favourite superhero t-shirt.

My American boys, I thank you. I’ve loved you, learned from you, and at some point I will miss you. But we all have to grow up someday and I’ve moved on to British men.

Abigoliah Schamaun: Post-Coital Confessions, Gilded Balloon Teviot, Aug 5-31.

See more Edinburgh Festival Fringe comedy recommendations on Time Out Edinburgh.