Attending one’s school reunion is a bit like going to a 5ive concert: hugely depressing, yet secretly fascinating, and likely to feature a live performance from the band 5ive.
So, in the process of researching our new show ‘The Reunion’ (and to save you the trauma of actually going to your school reunion), we’ve assembled a searingly accurate guide to what’s become of everyone you ever went to school with.
The Head Girl
Though annoyingly sensible at school, she’s since embraced her wild side by marrying a Kenyan tribesman in a traditional ceremony on her gap year. Take that, Dad!
Despite being a quiet and marginal presence at school, he has nonetheless gone on to be a surprisingly successful serial killer.
After five years of running rampant over the weaker kids, the bully has learnt that the only things an aggressive personality get you are ceaseless promotions and a fast-track up the career ladder. Bosh.
Subtly downgraded his life-plan from ‘England captain by 21’ to ‘clean by Christmas’.
The Party Animal
The Posh Girl What does a 2:2 in communications get you? Well, in her case, a £70k-a-year, three-day-a-week role in her father’s publishing firm. Still ridiculously attractive.
Things are going really well with the band. I mean, they’ve set up a Kickstarter page, so there’s that…
The Foreign Exchange Student
Sadly – and this proves a number of the crueller schoolyard jibes right – Dmitri actually was a Russian spy.
Fast-tracked into Oxford aged 16, taught herself ancient Greek at 17 and burned out at 17 and three months (it was all the Greek). Now works as the receptionist at a Belgian hostel, while fitfully working on her debut novel ‘Galactic Apostle’ (currently 4,500 pages of sparkling ancient Greek prose).
The Class Clown
Having long attempted to fill the yawning chasm of emptiness in his soul with pithy classroom quips (highly irritating), he’s sadly discovered a likeminded attention-craver with whom he now performs narrative sketch comedy (Soho Theatre, till October 12).
See Max and Ivan in London
The Knock2Bag team regularly have some of the best comedy bills in London and are always brilliant value. As well as their monthly gig in Shepherd's Bush, Knock2Bag takes over Rich Mix in the East End with more comedy delights. May 30's bill features US alt-comedy hero and 'Arrested Development' star David Cross, Aussie storyteller Sarah Kendall, slick sketch duo Max and Ivan, young charmer Joel Dommett, 'Newsjack' host Nish Kumar.Read more
Two days. One venue. A shit-ton of Edinburgh Fringe previews. Yep, you can hit yourself up with an intense dose of stand-up at ARGComFest, which crams dozens of hour-long work-in-progress shows from top comics into one weekend. Across the two days you can catch *deep breath* Tim Key, Bridget Christie, Alex Edelman, James Acaster, Josh Widdicombe, Simon Munnery, Max & Ivan, Pappy's, Aisling Bea, Lazy Susan, Liam Williams, Dane Baptiste, Mike Wozniak and Mark Watson. *Another breath* Plus Stuart Goldsmith, Ed Gamble, Matthew Crosby, Tom Parry, Joseph Morpurgo, Edwas Aczel, Tom Allen, Pippa Evans, Colin Hoult, Nish Kumar, Mae Martin, Kieran Hodgson, Rhys James, Stuart Laws, Michael Legge, Caroline Mabey, Joanna Neary, Tom Neenan, John-Luke Roberts, John Robins, Fin Taylor and Johnny & the Baptists. (There's still more.) *Final breath* Lou Sanders, Sofie Hagen, Bec Hill, Thom Tuck, Adam Hess, Sarah Bennetto and Robyn Perkins. Phew! Now, if that's not good value for money, we don't know what is.Read more