‘Time Out’s Comedy editor Ben Williams asked me to write a poem that people could personalise for themselves, which I – as a poet – thought was an affront. I did it, though. I don’t think people will really enjoy it or think it’s that personal, and because of my struggles to personalise it, I feel the rhythm is a bit screwed. Add in the fact that Time Out has a big readership, and this is a disaster.’ Tim Key, 2014
Chris/Anne/Luther/Candice/a flamingo/someone else/I/Warren/your own name/Liz decided to gather some onions.
He/she/it/was fed up with his/her/its damn boss/pupils/workload/long thin legs/wife/situation.
She/it/I/the flamingo took a cab down to the fields and put on their onion gloves.
In front of Chris/Anne/this person/the flamingo/whoever/Annabel there was a gigantic field that rolled away between the hills and down towards the pea-green lake approximately 1.5 miles away.
Chris/Louise/Max/a Swedish guy/Sandra/a different flamingo/Keith/no one/you/me/it doesn’t matter/Diane waded into the onions.
It was raining.
The person/bird filled their bucket and the water soaked their jumper/feathers through.
Sodden and shivering, the flamingos/Chris and Anne/you/insert your name/Paul Scholes/Chris stood by their/his/its onion bucket and attempted to hail cabs.
They would not stop, though. All of the cabs drove right past you/_______ .
See Tim Key live in London
Two days. One venue. A shit-ton of Edinburgh Fringe previews. Yep, you can hit yourself up with an intense dose of stand-up at ARGComFest, which crams dozens of hour-long work-in-progress shows from top comics into one weekend. Across the two days you can catch *deep breath* Tim Key, Bridget Christie, Alex Edelman, James Acaster, Josh Widdicombe, Simon Munnery, Max & Ivan, Pappy's, Aisling Bea, Lazy Susan, Liam Williams, Dane Baptiste, Mike Wozniak and Mark Watson. *Another breath* Plus Stuart Goldsmith, Ed Gamble, Matthew Crosby, Tom Parry, Joseph Morpurgo, Edwas Aczel, Tom Allen, Pippa Evans, Colin Hoult, Nish Kumar, Mae Martin, Kieran Hodgson, Rhys James, Stuart Laws, Michael Legge, Caroline Mabey, Joanna Neary, Tom Neenan, John-Luke Roberts, John Robins, Fin Taylor and Johnny & the Baptists. (There's still more.) *Final breath* Lou Sanders, Sofie Hagen, Bec Hill, Thom Tuck, Adam Hess, Sarah Bennetto and Robyn Perkins. Phew! Now, if that's not good value for money, we don't know what is.Read more
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