‘Time Out’s Comedy editor Ben Williams asked me to write a poem that people could personalise for themselves, which I – as a poet – thought was an affront. I did it, though. I don’t think people will really enjoy it or think it’s that personal, and because of my struggles to personalise it, I feel the rhythm is a bit screwed. Add in the fact that Time Out has a big readership, and this is a disaster.’ Tim Key, 2014
Chris/Anne/Luther/Candice/a flamingo/someone else/I/Warren/your own name/Liz decided to gather some onions.
He/she/it/was fed up with his/her/its damn boss/pupils/workload/long thin legs/wife/situation.
She/it/I/the flamingo took a cab down to the fields and put on their onion gloves.
In front of Chris/Anne/this person/the flamingo/whoever/Annabel there was a gigantic field that rolled away between the hills and down towards the pea-green lake approximately 1.5 miles away.
Chris/Louise/Max/a Swedish guy/Sandra/a different flamingo/Keith/no one/you/me/it doesn’t matter/Diane waded into the onions.
It was raining.
The person/bird filled their bucket and the water soaked their jumper/feathers through.
Sodden and shivering, the flamingos/Chris and Anne/you/insert your name/Paul Scholes/Chris stood by their/his/its onion bucket and attempted to hail cabs.
They would not stop, though. All of the cabs drove right past you/_______ .
See Tim Key live in London
The consistently superb Greenwich Comedy Festival (possibly our favourite London comedy fest) is back for another year, setting up camp in the grounds of the beautiful National Maritime Museum, and the line-up is so so good. In fact, we'd go as far to say it's best GCF line-up yet. Spectacular all-headline bills in the Big Top and Apple Top tents take place throughout the week, with names including Reginald D Hunter, David O'Doherty, Jerry Sadowitz, Adam Buxton, Tim Key, Sara Pascoe, Bridget Christie, Kevin Eldon, Paul Foot, Mark Watson and many more heading to SE10. Check 'dates and times for the full schedule.Read more
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