Time Out London Sex Survey 2013: your most embarrassing stories
If it can splatter, snap or squelch, then it has for at least one of you. Read the most awkward sexual moments of our survey-takers' lives
We asked you to tell us about your most embarrassing sexual encounter, and 3,000 of you obliged. It makes for a bracing afternoon's reading, that's for sure.
Below, the 150 most commonly used words provide a troubling overview:
Fart-related terms appear 532 times, while 'walked in' and 'caught' appear 405. In the bodily fluid stakes, vom (58 mentions) beats blood (57) and poo (33). And mums (85) are much more likely to appear unannounced than dads (24). As the saying goes: "FOR GOD'S SAKE MUM GET OUT! JUST GET OUT ALREADY!"
A few of our favourites
IF THIS IS YOUR WORST STORY EVER, YOU'RE DOING OK
'I failed to get an erection.'
'Nothing comes to mind.'
'My partner farted.'
'Came too early.'
YOU SAY IT BEST WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL
'I've said the wrong name. Like, more than once. In the same session. Different names each time.'
'On losing my virginity, my partner's response was "Ta-da! That's it! It's in! Congratulations!"'
'We were being romantic and talking about the future, and how eventually we'd be parents to beautiful children. I tried to say that I’d love her to be the mother of my children. But it simply came out: “I want you to be my mum.” Oedipus, eat your heart out!'
'I wasn't performing that great and when she said "What's the matter?" I actually found myself saying, "I'm okay – I'm not thinking about another girl or anything like that!"'
'My threesome was just embarrassing to watch. It was with two "best friends" who secretly hated each other. We were fooling around and they were bickering and trying to outdo each other. When it actually came to the penis-inside-somewhere bit we only had one condom and so one of them gave up and went to sleep. Boy did I feel special.'
'My flatmates decided to "rate" my performance outside my door, including large score cards and prosecco, hugely embarrassing the girl I was with.'
'With my first boyfriend when I was 17, my dog burst into the room straight afterwards, picked the condom up off the floor, and gleefully ran off with it and dropped it at my dad's feet. I wish I was making this up.'
'Finally, after months of flirting with my housemate's friend, we got together on a night out and I went home with him. We were getting down to it and it was as hot as I'd always imagined. We used a bottle of what I thought was moisturiser as lube, only to find out quite quickly it was actually shower gel – bring on the horribly intense internal burning, crying and having to run home (almost via the hospital) to sort myself out, despite a very unconvincing "don't go, I'll hug you if you want!" Not to mention it was 5am on a freezing winter night in Newcastle, and as I'd been in some skimpy fancy dress costume he had to lend me some rugby kit to go home in. I was so embarrassed I could never look him in the eye again at uni, and I still have his rugby kit to this day!'
'It was my first time and my parents were away, but unfortunately the family dog was not. The dog jumped on the bed and took a chunk out of my boyfriend's arse. Memorable.'
ALWAYS SECURE A PERIMETER
'Realised his roommate was asleep in the same room.'
'Thinking we were alone in the house, but so close to Christmas we definitely weren't. An awkward Christmas lunch. And dinner. And Boxing Day. And life.'
'Having a one-night stand in a hostel dorm bunk-bed, and not being told till the end that her mum was on the lower bunk below us.'
FAILING THAT, HOPE FOR TACT
'After finishing, his mum asking through the open window if we were ready for dinner now. Turned out she was sitting in the garden, and we didn't know.'
'Not technically during, but our cleaner found the pile of floggers, canes, needles, dildos, lube, interestingly shaped bits of wood, sutures, etc, and kindly laid them out on the dining room table with a towel over them. We have never spoken about this.'
'Police raid. They'd got the wrong house (drug dealer next door). Awkward, though a WPC said I had a nice arse.'
Making love while your iPod's on shuffle is a dangerous game:
'Jack Johnson came to an end on my iTunes playlist... and then the Jackson 5 started belting out Frosty the Snowman. Not particularly erotic!'
'Having "Ring of Fire" come on my iTunes while it was on shuffle. Completely killed it for me.'
'The "Dirty Dancing" soundtrack comes on (steady now) her iTunes.'
'Benny Hill came on shuffle – definitely ruined the mood.'
'My iPod malfunctioned and Ace of Base's "I Saw the Sign" came on just at the point of coming!'
'The "Chariots of Fire" theme starting on the stereo.'
'I accidentally sang along to that famous Mariah Carey Christmas song…'
'My iPod was on shuffle and "Circle of Life" came on. I couldn't resist and sang along to it with rhythmic movements. Made her laugh but really broke the mood…'
'Someone sang the "Star Wars" song as they were about to come.'