20 best jokes about New York City (video)

Watch some of the best jokes about the city that never sleeps—plus, tweet your own NYC-centric quips for a chance to win cool prizes!

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  • Best jokes about New York City: Norm MacDonald

  • Best jokes about New York City: Joe Mande

  • Photograph: Seth Olenick

    Best jokes about New York City: Marc Maron

  • Photograph: David Andrako

    Best jokes about New York City: Kumail Nanjiani

  • Photograph: Brad Barket

    Best jokes about New York City: John Oliver

  • Best jokes about New York City: Emo Philips

  • Photograph: Carol Rosegg

    Best jokes about New York City: Colin Quinn

  • Best jokes about New York City: Anita Wise

  • Photograph: Jorge Rios

    Best jokes about New York City: Steven Wright

  • Photograph: Francine Daveta

    Best jokes about New York City: Sasheer Zamata

Best jokes about New York City: Norm MacDonald

Norm Macdonald

Norm Macdonald

“They’ve got homeless guys everywhere you look. It breaks your heart. I saw one guy the other day in New York, a homeless guy; he had a dog with him. And that’s tough. You feel sorry…for the dog. You know? I mean, the dog’s not thrilled with the deal. He’s got a homeless guy. He’s going, Hey, I can do this by myself; I don’t need a goddamn…. It’s like the longest walk in the world for the dog.”

Joe Mande

Joe Mande

“I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. And really all that means is that I'm constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like they're about to go operate a steam engine.”

Marc Maron

Marc Maron

“It’s a thrill to be in New York. But I’m frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. I didn’t get much sleep. I’d flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. There was a guy on the elevator with me. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. It was like, You pulled it off. My lips are sealed, bro. Looking forward to the show.”

Kumail Nanjiani

Kumail Nanjiani

“I went to Coney Island recently. I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. The single most terrifying experience of my life. And I’m from fucking Pakistan. I had like bruises everywhere. It’s like I paid a guy. Like, Here’s a bunch of money…just kind of punch me all over. And then when I got off I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller coaster in the world. Wish I’d known that before I risked my life. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. They should change the name of that ride to 1927. ’Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. Or hurricanes.”

NEW YORK, NY - JULY 21: Comedian John Oliver performs during Comedy Central in Central Park at  the Summer Stage in Central Park on Wednesday, July 21, 2010 in New York, New York. (Photo by Brad Barket/PictureGroup)

John Oliver

“This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. He was carrying a briefcase in one hand and a suitcase in another. I could see him thinking, I can’t do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as I’ve got these bags. He just stuck out his head and the doors closed on his neck. Now, he wasn’t hurt. Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time and if it meets any resistance it’s supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, ’cause he just left him there. This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. You’ve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings waiting for a fireman to cut him loose.”

Emo Philips

Emo Philips

“New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, ‘I’d like a card.’ He said, ‘You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.’ So I stabbed him.”

Colin Quinn

Colin Quinn

“Everybody in New York has lost their minds. Even when they try to be nice, they just can’t. It’s not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, it’s a cruelty level when you’re waking up, you know? When you’re growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. You can always tell who’s raised in New York by how they take a compliment when they’re an adult. You know, like, ‘Hey, nice haircut.’ ‘Screw you; what’s wrong with it?’”

Anita Wise

“I just got in from New York City. I don’t really like living there. I have to for health reasons. I’m very paranoid, and New York’s the only place my fears are justified.”

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

“I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.”

Sasheer Zamata

Sasheer Zamata

“I was walking home. It was like five in the morning on a weeknight. And this guy approached me. And he asked me if I needed a walk home. He was like, ‘Miss, you need somebody to walk you home?’ And I was like, ‘No, I’m good.’ He’s like, ‘Are you sure?’ I was like, ‘No, I got it, thanks.’ And I kept walking, and then he slowed down, pulled down his sweatpants, took out his dick and was like, ‘Hey Miss, this is for you.’ And I was like, ‘No.’ And then I kept walking all the way home. It was like a 15-minute walk. And when I got home, I was like, What was I thinking? I should have gotten in a cab or called the cops immediately. I was so nonchalant about it. I turned down his dick as if he was trying to sell me a CD or something.”


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