'Venezuelan DJ idiot' Juan Vesuvius is back in Edinburgh for his follow up to last year's 'Calypso Nights', 'Calypso Nights: Juan, Two?' Here he outlines a perfect day in Edinburgh.
Well yesterday I got myself a bici. It is really a great one. I bought him from the Bike Station. It is a good paint job on it, it remind me of a bike that may have been in this show 'Denver The Last Dinosaur'. Very 80s colours and so fast. So then I feel great and have a speed all over town.
I go and buy some records... KC and the Sunshine Band and a couple of other cool guys. Then I try to find some good strong cafe... is hard in the UK. Oh so hard. I think too much tea has made the tongue of the UK like watery things. But I do find a place, it is a little shack outside the Assembly Gardens that make the best cafe here.
Then I go to watch a show... it was two people and they were doing their first show and they were so very nervous. There was some nice stories in their show but they did not trust anything and they kept looking at each other for moral support. You just have to trust. Even if it is shit then just trust in the shit.
The sun came out for a little while so I go home and take my shoes off and put on some shorts and go for a run. I like to run in bare foot. But I ended up running around looking for grass to run on but could only find some in the cemetery, so I am running around in there but I feel disrespectful so I go home and wash my feet.
Then I am hungry for cheese so from the shop I buy some delicious Queso Manchego and stick of bread and some tomato and have a very delicious lunch. Then I sit down and day dream about empanadas and how I want to eat them. I dream about having hands that are pastry and I can just walk around and grab things with my pastry hands and pick them up and I have an instant empanada to eat. But I would have to eat my hands if I ate it. Still a good idea though.
Calypso Nights: Juan, Two?, Assembly Roxy, until Aug 30 (not 17), 9.30pm.