If you hear some creepy carnival music ringing through the streets this weekend, don’t panic – it’s just your friendly neighbourhood ice-cream man, back from a winter spent hibernating in a nest of stale hot dog buns and Magnum wrappers.
Yes, ice-cream season is back. But what should you order? We’re glad you asked.
We know there are other brands, but we’re sticking with the big three – Wall’s, Nestlé and Mars – partly because they’re the ones you’re most likely to encounter but mostly because we haven’t got all bloody day here. If we’ve missed anything, it’s because you had it on holiday and they don’t do it in the UK, or we simply missed it because we’re too damn heat-crazed (aye, right) to think straight. So without further ado…
(Oh, and if you disagree with us, you are of course more than welcome to sound off in the comments.)
There’s nothing funny about feet, and chomping on one of these is a bit too close to sucking on a corpse’s toes.
Mivvi Divinely Creamy
Basically a poor man’s Solero. Has anyone actually ever ordered one of these? Let’s move on.
Generic fruity ice on a stick. Doesn’t even really look like a spaceship. Buy some moulds and make your own boozy version instead.
Haribo Push Up
A madman’s vision of gummy sweets combined with ice-cream. Tastes of disappointment.
KitKat Ice Cream
The ultimate tea-time cuppa companion as a Cornetto-apeing summer snack? Simply doesn’t work. The top bit is also a bit upsetting if stared at for too long.
Bearing a striking resemblance to the top third of a Fab, this sprinkle-covered dude is a triumph of style over substance. It also looks as though it’s capable of giving you a filling at 30 paces.
Great when you’re five, but in adulthood these sticks of frozen cow juice should only be considered as a starter to something more substantial. Like six pints of strong ale.
Galaxy chocolate has been applied to all manner of warm weather snacks over the years, none of which have really blown anyone’s flip-flops off. This posh choc-ice doesn’t fare much better.
As close as you can get to a Calippo without the lawyers getting involved, this soft drink spin-off fails through lack of invention.
M&M's Ice Cream
It’s not the most baffling thing the M&M’s brand has attached its name to (check out one of their bizarro megastores), but there’s no denying that non-bar chocolates don’t translate well into ice-cream.
Smarties Pop up
See previous slide.
It’s as much a symbol of your childhood as yet-to-be-outed paedophiles, but behind all the nostalgia and stupid sprinkle thingies, there’s no escaping the fact that this is a woefully average ice-lolly.
Maltesers Ice Cream
The product dev team tried gallantly to transform a pellet-based snack into something you could eat off a stick. They nearly pulled it off, too, until they moulded it into the shape of a big jobbie.
Twix Ice Cream
The best thing about a Twix is that you get two of them. With its frosty cousin, you get literally 50 percent less than that. Unless you buy two, which, in the interests of not being fat and poor, we wouldn’t advise.
Essentially a middle-class version of the ice poles you used to pick up from the corner shop for 10p each, the Calippo is more refreshing than a bag of frozen mince down the pants.
Bounty Ice Cream
A huge improvement on the regular, room-temperature Bounty on the grounds that coconut ice-cream is delicious, while shredded newspaper mixed with ladies’ shampoo isn’t. Your mum probably loves these.
Fruit Pastilles Lolly
Impossible to eat without feeling slightly like you’re auditioning for a really weird porno. The different fruity flavours are surprisingly distinct, though.
More chocolate than ice-cream, making it perfect for days when you can’t decide whether it’s actually hot or not.
Mars Ice Cream
While other sub-zero renditions of popular chocolate bars bear little resemblance to their source material, there’s no chance of confusion here. Either that or our ice-cream man is fobbing us off with frozen Mars bars.
A natty combination of ice-cream and sorbet that’ll fall off the stick unless you see it off in less than two minutes. Luckily, since it’s so tangy and tasty, few last more than 20 seconds.
Snickers Ice Cream
A calorific beast, but there’s no denying the texture of crunchy nuts against smooth ice-cream and crumbly chocolate. Great before a run along the beach – something we’ve literally never done.
An ice-cream so ridiculously sexy you’re in serious danger of having an orgasm before you’ve even wrestled the wrapper off. Also comes in around 400 different positions – sorry, flavours.
A hybrid of the classic British choc-ice and that quintessential American breakfast staple, the ice-cream sandwich. No points for originality, then, but the cookie to chocolate to ice-cream ratio is bang on. Plus it’s called the same thing in Spanish, so that’s half your holiday vocabulary taken care of.
Not only is this both ice-cream AND ice-lolly, it also has the bonus of looking hilariously like a dog’s cock when you get near the end.
Despite the oft-warbled song from the famous advert, this summertime stalwart is about as Italian as a tin of spaghetti hoops. Still, that’s beside the point – from the mint topping (or strawberry or nut, but always mint), down to the little chocolate bit at the end of the cone, the Cornetto is the one true king of the ice-cream world.