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The nine movie roles David Beckham was born to play

David Beckham has expressed his interest in a glittering Hollywood career. But just what roles would we like to see old Golden Balls play in the movies?

Written by
David Clack
Tom Huddleston

As a footballer, he’s wrapped his marvellously manicured mitts around more silverware than a 90-year-old butler. But could David Beckham soon add a little golden man to his trophy room? No. Don’t be ridiculous. This is David Beckham – the man couldn’t even pull off a convincing penalty appeal. Still, like it or not, you may be about to see more of him on the big screen – after a fleeting appearance in ‘The Man From U.N.C.L.E.’, old Goldenbollocks has said he’s keen to do more movie work. But what exactly is the perfect vehicle for an air-headed ex-footballer with a tatt-covered torso and a cheeky little grin that just won’t quit? Here’s what Becks’ agent ought to be eyeing up.

The baddie in ‘James Bond: Goldenballs’
© Ben Rowe

1. The baddie in ‘James Bond: Goldenballs’

Could Becks play Bond? We’re not convinced he could pull off the one-liners. But we can totally imagine him perched behind some kind of ominous black-steel desk (perhaps overlooking Wembley Stadium), stroking a small furry animal and telling 007 that he expects him to die. Beware the soft touch of… Goldenballs.
Pirate in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 6’
© Ben Rowe

2. Pirate in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 6’

He’s got the accent, the agility and most importantly the tats: slap a spot of guyliner on him and Becks would make a fine addition to Captain Jack Sparrow’s crew of metrosexual vagabonds. He’d look a sight shinning up the rigging, and his ball-bending skills would come in handy in a seagoing cannon battle.
Jedi in ‘Star Wars: Episode VIII’
© Ben Rowe

3. Jedi in ‘Star Wars: Episode VIII’

There are three things a Jedi must have: immaculate focus, a neatly trimmed beard and a lightsaber. With Becks, two out of three ain’t bad. Our only problem would be listening to him reeling off the Jedi’s traditional mystic spiel – ‘do, or like, don’t, but don’t try, right?’ Maybe the producers could pull a Darth Vader and have his voice dubbed in.
Dad in ‘Three Men and a Baby – the reboot!’
© Ben Rowe

4. Dad in ‘Three Men and a Baby – the reboot!’

Becks plays on his paternal image as one of three hapless men-about-town (we’re also seeing Jonah Hill and Chris Tucker) who get into all kinds of wacky scrapes when called upon to raise a small child. The hilarity hits a peak when Becks inadvertently snogs cameo-ing grandpa Tom Selleck, and they wind up Velcro-locked at the lip.
The Elephant Man
© Ben Rowe

5. The Elephant Man

In Hollywood, you’re not a real actor until you’ve ‘uglied up’ on screen. The problem with this modern-day reworking of the classic, heartbreaking story of exploitation and despair is that, even buried under three feet of grotesque latex, Becks still manages to still be the best-looking guy in the film.
The Striker in ‘The Avengers’

6. The Striker in ‘The Avengers’

There’s never been a footballing superhero. Okay, there’s a reason for that – it’d be completely stupid. But is it any sillier than a dude who can shrink to the size of an ant, or a Norse God who saves the world in a pointy helmet? If anyone can make new comic-book legend The Striker work – and that’s copyrighted by the way, so back off – it’d be Marvel Studios. He even has a cool kiss-off catchphrase: ‘Get bent!’
Male model in ‘Zoolander 3’
© Ben Rowe

7. Male model in ‘Zoolander 3’

This one’s back-of-the-net: his wife’s a fashion legend, he’s an ace face, Becks will slot right into Derek Zoolander’s world of self-absorption and physical beauty. But to avoid typecasting, he’ll play a preening male model who is also – twist! – an astrophysicist with Hawking-level smarts.
The little kid all grown-up in ‘Mac and Me 2’
© Ben Rowe

8. The little kid all grown-up in ‘Mac and Me 2’

Becks continues his heartfelt commitment to advertising anything and everything by starring in this long-awaited sequel to the infamous McDonald’s-funded ET clone about a cute alien who lives on tasty burgers. In a performance of Eddie Redmayne-like commitment, Becks will play the wheelchair-bound kid from the original movie, all growed up but still not great at going downhill.
David Beckham in ‘Bend it Like Me’
© Ben Rowe

9. David Beckham in ‘Bend it Like Me’

Is it a sequel to the beloved British indie? A gritty reality doc? Or a two-hour commercial for Brand Beckham? This Malkovich-esque post-modern epic unites the original stars of ‘Bend it Like Beckham’, Keira Knightley and Parminder Nagra, with their real-life hero for a head-spinning, ball-swerving meta-drama. The climactic penalty shootout on a nightmarish, Escher-like infinite football pitch will make your eyes pop.

More likely James Bond candidates?

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