A witless embarrassment of a film, A Tale of Two Pizzas revolves around two pizzeria-owning Yonkers families, the Biancos and the Rossis, who have been feuding for decades over who makes the best pie. Frank Bianco (Vincent) has the best crust and Vito Rossi (Pastore) has the best sauce; tragically, neither can create the perfect slice on his own. Enter Rossi's daughter Angela (Paul), fresh from earning her associate's degree at FIT that has somehow made her a restaurant-marketing force. The tension mounts as Angela builds her "business plan" and uses "spreadsheets," and Bianco's son Tony (Dubin) schemes to steal the secret sauce recipe, using Angela as a pawn.
There are too many misguided elements to list here, but standouts include scenes punctuated by cartoon flying pizzas, a corny original score firmly planted in 1996 and the inclusion of every Guido stereotype under the sun (plastic covers on the furniture, too much cologne, much use of the word frig). Pastore and Vincent are both quality character actors, and this makes their over-the-top puffed-chest struts and back-alley duels involving wooden pizza paddles especially painful to watch.
In the end, when the young couple finally realize they like each other ("If it wasn't for pizza, we'd be friends"), the secret ingredient of the coveted pizza sauce is revealed: love. The script could have used some of it.—Jennifer Romolini