Clubbed

It’s the 1980s, and Danny (Mel Raido) is the gormless poet warrior-turned-headbutt-happy club doorman who narrates this tawdry tale of how he got tough in an unnamed northern hinterland. One minute he’s getting his head stomped on by cockney boot-boys while his kids watch in dismay, then, via a swift montage of him leafing through Sun Tzu’s ‘The Art of War’ and practising his haymaker in the mirror, he’s graduated to the Zen power-trip world of the regional bouncer and started duffing up all and sundry.

It’s a comically inept and unfocused piece of filmmaking, with ‘This Is England’-lite period detail attained by what looks like a bring-your-own-costume policy (plastic replica pork-pie hats anyone?), numerous side characters who have no relation to the plot whatsoever (including Neil Morrissey in a boilersuit and cravat) and an overwritten, ‘artsy’ voiceover (à la Guy Ritchie) that sounds like it was recorded in one take. Shaun Parkes’s charismatic turn as virtuous fellow bouncer Rob is the film’s sole redeeming feature.