Everybody Wants to be Italian

This film’s strange premise is that beautiful people in Boston struggle to get dates: To hook up, they pretend they’re Italian. They also need help from fishmongers. Jesus had a similar posse, though he was a messiah—which Jake (Jablonski) certainly isn’t. Beantown provides a salty backdrop, but when the action shifts to Italy, it seems the budget didn’t include airfares. While it’s difficult to discern why hot veterinarian Marisa (Vincent) finds Jake attractive, the reverse isn’t true: Vincent’s cleavage hogs the camera, from a date in which Jake almost fellates a cannoli to an eye-boggling bounce along the beach.