So this is what it's like to get stuck inside an Iron Maiden album cover. Zombie (not his real name) sings in metal band White Zombie, and despite the hugely promising title this slashathon owes much to the worst of that genre's ethics - crude, male, dull and ugly. The plot is unimpeachable: four bleach-teethed all-Americans on a cross-country jaunt run out of gas and wind up outside Captain Spaulding's Museum of Monsters and Madmen, where the fried chicken is complimentary and the local serial killer is called Dr Satan (also not his real name). Guess what happens next. The success of the Scream franchise has left directors previously unencumbered by such thoughts puzzling over how seriously they should take their adolescent slaughter. Zombie gets caught in the dilemma, referencing The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Halloween and Carrie, while also tossing around fake blood and filmstock as he vainly tries to show there's a director behind this mess.