In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Crapmaster Uwe Boll (Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne) continues his campaign of cinematic terror with this soul-grindingly tedious fantasy epic, in which a lowly farmer (Statham) finds himself thrust into the center of a battle between awful hairpieces (Reynolds) and atrocious acting (Liotta, Lillard). With grunting rubber-suited Orc-like creatures and woodland elves posing fetchingly on vines like refugees from Cirque du Soleil, Lord of the Rings is the obvious referent; in fact, In the Name of the King does feel about eight hours long. Don’t go for the campy laughs; there are none.