Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

A portentous Dune-like prologue is followed by an aerial shot of an awesome cliff-face; the camera swirls, picks out a fearless lone climber, zooms in, then cuts to a close up of...you guessed it, ageing paunch-features Kirk himself. Thereafter the plot, about a quest for the Ultimate Answer, resembles something Douglas Adams would have thrown in the bin, complete with triple-breasted whores decorating the journey to God's front door. 'Nobody ever went through the barrier!' scream the cast. One sub-2001 light show later, Kirk is boldly splitting infinitives in heaven itself, unscarred and (naturally) unimpressed by God, who after all isn't any good with girls. Polarities are duly reversed while Uhura does the dance of the seven veils and smooches with Scotty (warped factor 5!), whose dilithium crystals clearly canna take it any more. Beam me up this instant.