The Calcium Kid

When British contender Pete Wright (Hassan) is KO'd from a title fight with world champ Jose Mendes (Peña), dodgy boxing manager Herbie Bush (Djalili) decides to shove unknown milkman Jimmy Connelly (Bloom) into the ring. This mock-doc Rocky starts punchily enough with Snatch-style jab'n'jump-cuts and authentic South London settings, then proceeds at milk-van pace, as first time director de Rakoff milks every cliché in the cowshed. The characters are cartoonish and, with few exceptions, unengaging. Jimmy has a punchable gormless naivety that makes Norman Wisdom look like a meatpacking pimp. Billie Piper's role as the love interest is skimmed back to just four lines, though her famously large teeth are a terrific testimonial to the former Milk Marketing Board, for which this is a gold-top-tastic advert.