Wild Wild West

Nominally a modern update on a long-forgotten '60s TV show, this monument to the vacuous excesses of chequebook cinema highlights the desperation of those who throw money at the screen hoping it will buy them a blockbuster. Back in the Old West, sassy marshal James West (Smith) and gadget master Artemus Gordon (Kline) are the two federal agents assigned to track down just who has been kidnapping the country's top scientists. Rita (Hayek) is the gal along for the ride since her dad is one of the disappeared. Dr Arliss Loveless (Branagh, beyond excruciating) is the megalomaniac techno wizard behind it all, a vengeful Confederate who now plans the overthrow of the US government. What happens? Lots of explosions as Branagh's giant mechanical tarantula runs amok, lots of gizmos as Kline rigs up a secret weapon on rails, and absolutely - repeat absolutely - no laughs from a pitiful script. A profound fog of boredom swiftly descends, quite unrecognisable as the work of the Barry Sonnenfeld who put such zip into Men in Black.