'You wanna hear a story?' Scuzz-phobes who had their fill of cock and bull in Boogie Nights can whistle on by now. Here it comes: John C Holmes, 13-inch celebrity porn-star, burnt-out cokehead, 15-year-old honey-pie, life in the gutter, nose for destruction, lowlife associates, drug guzzlers, spent wads, crackpot get-rich wheeze, knock-over kingpin racketeer Eddie Nash, backfires, backlash, multiple murders, grisly crime scene, multiple testimonies like Rashmon means we get to tell it all again. Then cop a load of this: Val Kilmer largin' it in half-buttoned shirt, tousled mop, stubble and shades, Lisa Kudrow with eye-bags and double-chin, Kate Bosworth cooey-eyed, Dylan McDermott, Josh Lucas, Tim Blake Nelson, Carrie Fisher, Christina Applegate, Natasha Gregson Wagner and Janeane Garofalo all cutting up rough, Ted Levine as the snorting detective, Eric Bogosian in a dressing gown and silly accent. And this: jaggy camerawork, jump cuts and stop-motion transitions, monochrome fade-outs, sepia dissolves, box-panel split-screens, multi-layered jackpot graphics, hectic narration, overcooked movie lingo, a greedy slew of '70s guitar rock peppering the soundtrack... Feel the excitement! Feel the swagger! Oh wait, where'd the story go?