10,000 B.C.

If Mel Gibson’s main interest in Apocalypto was staging a vivid tapir castration, this even dumber prehistoric epic means to show off Roland Emmerich’s balls—metaphorically speaking. Simply put, the Independence Day director does not give a damn. He doesn’t care that there are few places on earth where one can hike from snowy mountaintops to jungle to desert in a few days. He doesn’t care that a man can’t negotiate a deal with a saber-toothed tiger. He doesn’t care that his giant ostriches appear to have been animated for a Sega. He doesn’t mind Omar Sharif’s bombastic narration. All he cares about is not being boring. On that level, he succeeds.