Nothing says “Be mine” quite like a traditional Valentine. But what if all those soppy love notes make you want to cringe (or vomit)? We get it: Love can be gross—especially if you’re single in the big city on Valentine’s Day. That’s why we’re grateful for greeting-card designers that just, well, get it. Whether you’ve already secured a date for February 14 or you just want to show your BFF how much you care, ditch the pricey Valentine’s Day gifts and win them over with humor. These cards are made for unromantic people—those who prefer the sound of breakup songs to love songs.
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Even the hardest-hearted of New Yorkers—or anyone who loves the combo of cheese and dough—feels all the feels for that most perfect of hometown creations, the pizza slice. Show your special someone you care—by comparing them to our native delicacy.
Hartland Brooklyn Slice of Heaven card, $4.50 at hartlandbrooklyn.com
When expressing mushy feelings, sometimes it’s best to pass the mic to our cherished troubadours: in this case, the dynamic duo of Hall and Oates, whose “your kiss is on my list” card is bound to spark some loving duets between you and your partner.
Debbie Draws Funny Hall and Oates card, $5.50 at etsy.com/shop/debbiedrawsfunny
2015 was the year that Drake invaded our smartphones, tablets, computers and brains, so why not let him into our love lives, too? Tell your baby you want to old-school booty-call him/her with this fantastic card from Urban Outfitters.
Tay Ham Hotline Bling card, $5.50 at urbanoutfitters.com
Behind love and sex, the third-best thing in life is, for many of us, tacos (or maybe it is placed higher on your list). Shower your Valentine with love with this card that unites romance with everyone’s favorite street food.
Bitter Whimsy You and Me and Tacos card, $4 at etsy.com/shop/bitterwhimsy
Fab Morvan and Rob Pilatus (RIP)—aka Milli Vanilli—may have gone down like a lead zeppelin in 1990, but we still have “Girl You Know It’s True” stuck in our heads. Lip-sync your lady’s praises—on repeat—with this adorable card.
Bete Noire Design Milli Vanilli card, $5.50 at etsy.com/shop/betenoiredesign.com
True love knows no bounds and certainly isn’t constrained by silly grooming mores. Thank your man for being there for you in all your unplucked, unwaxed and unshaved glory with this feisty bit of stationery.
Sioux Alice shaving card, $3.38 at etsy.com/shop/siouxalice
Once a murky territory of hookups and hurt feelings, Tinder is increasingly morphing into a legit dating website. If you met your forever friend (or for-now friend) on the thumb-exercising app, thank him/her with this cheeky card.
Bettie Confetti Tinder card, $4.14 at etsy.com/shop/bettieconfetti
Comparing love to food is an age-old trope, and this Brooklyn-printed card (where else?) goes the ramen route, honoring your beloved with a decidedly delicious-looking bowl of the omnipresent Japanese soup.
Greet ‘N’ Potatoes Ramen-tic card, $5 at greetnpotatoes.com
If you want to go naughty with your V-Day sentiments, this card gets right to the point, making it the perfect choice for either a long-term or a short-term love. Go forth and get busy, Romeos and Juliets.
BE Paperie Naughty Valentine’s Day card, $4 at etsy.com/shop/bepaperie
Speaking of getting naughty, nothing demonstrates love like the switch from just-started-dating lacy underthings to we’re-in-a-relationship-now granny panties. Commemorate the occasion with this cute card from People I’ve Loved.
People I’ve Loved I Like You I Love You card, $5 at peopleiveloved.com
When love—and cacti—flourish in a place as foreboding as a desert, you know it’s something real. Go ahead and celebrate your against-all-odds amour with this pretty card from Pink Olive.
Pink Olive I’m Stuck on You card, $5.50 at pinkolive.com
As tough as it is, sometimes, to tell the important people in our lives how much we really care, let’s face it: it’s even tougher to do math. Acknowledge and supersede both shortcomings with this tongue-in-cheek piece o’ stationery.
Silly Reggie You + Me = Awesome card, $3.95 at etsy.com/shop/sillyreggie
About as far from your typical mushy V-Day card as it can get, this love note evokes the inner bitter little guy—with a heart of gold, of course—in all of us.
The Paper Cub You Repulse Me the Least card, $5 at etsy.com/shop/thepapercub
Some E Cards are rightly a viral web presence, their dated images of personages from yesteryear clashing with their ultra-modern sentiments to hilarious effect. Luckily, the company also offers real paper cards, like this one of a couple ready to go all the way—to the bitter end.
Some E Cards Grow Old card, $2.99 at someecards.com