Melbourne's weirdest drinking experiences

How much would you pay to imbibe your next frothy from a Viking drinking horn? At Mjolner, a Norse mythology-themed bar under Hardware Lane, a few extra dollars gets you upgraded from lowly glassware to a forearm-sized vessel, embellished with gold and set majestically upright on a custom-made frame. But the drinks you can enjoy here are just as interesting as the vibes. Try a shot of Aquavit, the herbaceous spirit elemental to Scandinavian celebration, or a $100 sour ale from Denmark. There's also mead aplenty (the oldest known alcoholic bevvy in world history), but it's the cocktails here that reign supreme. And that'll be no no surprise to those who've checked out one of the Speakeasy Group's other classy cocktail venues Eau de Vie.

Gimmicky tourist trap or solid memorable drinking experience? It depends on who you ask, but there's no denying that most folks have never drunk in an Arctic-themed bar like this before. Located smack-bang in Fed Square, IceBar is the only venue of its kind in Australia. Drinks come in the form of cocktails (housed in glasses made of ice) and shots served via luge, and there's a giant avalanche jenga and a rotating collection of ice sculptures to keep you entertained. Lest you find the freezing temperatures intolerable, the staff provide warm snow capes, gloves and even ugg boots. You're free to stay as long you please, but people generally last around 30 minutes.

On the website for Melbourne’s fairytale-themed bar there’s a cardiac health warning – “Beware… this fairytale is not for the faint of heart." The moment you climb upstairs into the bar that was once Wah Wah Lounge, you realise we’re not talking clean-cut Disney fairytales but the darker, Grimmer, witch-infested-forest variety. Across two levels you can perch in a big golden birdcage, by a Narnian fireplace, under a huge tree or in a library of giant books. We loved the ‘mushroom palace’ cocktail bar on level one where luminous fungi sprout from the wall and one massive mothership of a toadstool looms over the bar. Positively hallucinogenic, and that’s before we’d had a drink.

Palm Royale feels like if 'Cocktail'-era Tom Cruise  and the Caribbean had a baby. Behind the bar, “Hawaiian shirt” is both the uniform and the attitude, and a mix of easy listening bossa nova beats, Cuban jazz and Latin dance music fills the airwaves. The cocktail list is heavy on the rum but also features a couple of ultra classic gin drinks for the punch-averse. All drinks come garnished to the sky with pineapple wedges, cherries and paper umbrellas.

It's easy to mistake the Holey Moley concept as lame if you've never been. A bar with mini golf? Surely, it's an overpriced arcade nightmare with screaming kids, bad beer and a few putting courses tacked on? But Holey Moley defies expectations. The huge, multi-level CBD space is a genuinely fascinating fun house of 27 wacky themed holes, neon lights, pizza and pumping pop music. You'll spot plenty of puns, and the cocktails and desserts are high-octane sugar hits. We got in on the putting action and ranked the holes from most fun to least fun – here’s what happened.

These days, Melbourne has fully embraced the escape room trend (which, if you haven't heard about them, involve attempting to find a way out of a themed room by solving puzzles along the way). Hardly any of them involve post-escape drinks. TRAPT Bar & Escape Room makes so much sense: you can meet your team-mates for a pre-game pep-talk, then soothe the frayed nerves (or bolster wounded pride) after an hour of high-stakes puzzle-solving. The appropriately dark and moody fit-out is akin to a '20s speakeasy, and the very capable bartenders shake and stir cocktails from their impressive menu like the best of 'em.

It's easy to miss the entrance to this propaganda-themed hidey-hole. Look for the giant red Chinese characters on the glass sliding door, right next to the stairwell leading up to elegant sister bar New Gold Mountain. Civilised after work drinks will be had here (well, at least until your third Martini). Walls are lined with luxe leather banquettes and spunky 1950s Communist-kitsch posters. If that sounds too fancy, rough it on a work-camp issue three-legged stool. A small list of ten or so specialty cocktails follow the Chinese theme to a tee – think chilli vodka, coriander, fresh lime and dry ginger ale if you want to walk the spice trail, or try one of four martini options ranging from traditional to lychee.

Polēpolē, Swahili for “take it easy”, is both name and motto for the new East-African inspired bar which has set up shop in the old Tony Starr’s Kitten Club. What was once a known as a sleazy watering hole, bandroom and home of the Love Lounge is now bringing the deep and sweet flavours that owners and husband-and-wife team Dean and Jeanelle Mariani encountered on their travels. Now, if you’ve never tried biltong, you need to get to Polēpolē. They make theirs in-house and it is the closest rendition of the traditional South African jerky available in Melbourne. 

Seamstress claim to make Melbourne's greatest Martini. And while we can't say we’ve taken up the challenge to dispute the enormous call, we can tell you their version is pretty effing good. But that's not the only reason to pay the venue a visit. Seamstress is housed in an iconic building that's lived many lives as a brothel, a 1930s sweatshop, a Buddhist monastery and a textile factory. Aside from immculately crafted cocktails and a well-regarded Asian fusion restaurant, Seamstress sets itself apart by paying homage to its colourful past. You will never see as many cheongsams and pairs of tiny silk pants hanging off the walls as you will at Seamstress - the dark upstairs bar with some of the most perilous steps in town. Bright, luscious silks hang off old coathangers, while the solid wooden bar has sturdy wooden bar stools, and some of the most attentive bartenders you'll come across. 

A red neon sign in shouty capitals marks the entrance on Brunswick Street. The cleaved head of American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman greets you as you walk up the stairs. In the cavernous room above, dismembered mannequins dangle from the ceiling. The latest addition to Fitzroy’s late-night scene is many things, but subtle isn’t one of them. From the team behind Prahran’s Less Than Zero bar, Glamorama’s owners clearly have a thing for Bret Easton Ellis. Exposed brick, lofty ceilings, ruby-hued booths and red lights behind the bar offer a nod to hedonistic social scene of 1980s New York. DJs spinning electronica and a 5am liquor license on weekends (3am midweek) ram home the devil-may-care demeanour. With The Red Face. Here, the smoky, husky notes of the mezcal dominate – the blood orange liqueur barely making an appearance. . On the pun-tastic menu (Chicken Tits anyone?), you’ll find his trademark vegan wings and hotdogs, tempered by meatier mains such as Going the Whole Hock of fried pork hock, crackling and coleslaw, or the Botox Pies, served with syringes of tomato sauce and mustard for intra-pastry injections.

Found in the heritage-listed Tavistock House – one of only a handful of pre-Gold Rush buildings left in Melbourne – the Flinders Lane bar works to weave stories of Melbourne into almost every element of its offering. It stands close to where the Yarra Falls once stood, a historic meeting place for many of the peoples of the Kulin Nation both pre-European settlement and after, which explains the rushing indoor waterfall found inside the bar. You’ll notice the playlist champions local Australian and First Nations artists, with Triple R supplying the tunes in the bathroom. There's nothing else like it in Melbourne.

This swanky bar and restaurant Melbourne boasts a mysterious cellar bar that you have to access via a bookcase, Fall from Grace. While the subterranean lair may not exactly be a secret anymore, the Harry Potteresque entrance and journey down a winding marble staircase is no less magical. Fancy beers, experimental cocktails and share plates make you want to stay a little longer after the initial "wow" factor wears off, but you've always got State of Grace to come back upstairs to if you want some fresh air.  

This high-concept cocktail bar unites Soviet-era chic with Weimar Republic excess. Berlin Bar, located in a CBD laneway up a few flights of stairs, is only accessible via a locked door – the bartenders have to buzz you in. Once you're in, choose between drinking in east or west Berlin. The luxurious and opulent west Germany (white banquettes, crystal curtains, low lighting and throbbing beats) crashes loudly into the east – a punk mix of black steel bunk beds, 80s tabletop video games and scratchy woollen blankets. It's all industrial metal and dark corners, perfect for canoodling, plotting and masterminding. Drinks are in the ‘hey! We're using a lot of ingredients and we love sugar!’ vein but they'll make you something simple if you ask.