During an intro spiel at last night’s Anthony Bourdain roast, co-host Willie Geist suggested that Mario Batali’s orange crocs match the hair on his revolting balls. It was then that we got the sense—confirmed over the ensuing hours of dick, fat, gay and meth jokes—that the event wouldn’t be at all castrated for a Food Network crowd. And happily, it wasn’t.
A who’s who of food-world bold-faced names gathered at Pier Sixty on Thursday to toast and tear into the author, TV host and culinary raconteur. The crowd ate bundles of ricotta-stuffed tortelli and slabs of Creekstone strip steak from Marea toque Michael White, while up front a range of comics (Jim Norton, Artie Lange, Bonnie McFarlane, Gilbert Gottfried) joined chefs and food TV personalities (Eric Ripert, Ted Allen, Rachael Ray, Guy Fieri and the aforementioned ginger ballsack) to run through some impressively viscous barbs.
Bourdain has been famously critical of cultural black holes Fieri and Ray, so it was particularly entertaining to see the two have a chance to fire back. (Ray was a class act; Fieri was a snarly malcontent.) But the speakers leveled insults at each other as gamely as they did the man of the hour, and indeed some of our favorite lines were directed at the other hosts. Gottfried devoted his entire set to Batali fat jokes; McFarlane, a sharp-tongued tyrant of a comic, left no wound unpoked. And we loved Ripert’s good-natured attempt at malice, giggling and shaking his head after delivering each insult.
Herein, a collection of the evening’s most memorable digs.
“What can you say about Guy Fieri’s food that hasn't already been printed on the side of a pack of cigarettes?” —Geist on Fieri’s egregiously unhealthy recipes
“Babbo is so hard to get into that Mario has to blow himself to get a table." —Geist on Babbo’s reservations wringer
“Anthony is very particular about what he eats. But for years he snorted something a Colombian girl shat out of her ass in a hotel room.” —Lange on Bourdain’s erstwhile drug habit
“An all-star lineup of Lipitor centerfolds” —Ted Allen addresses the dais
“Guy wears his sunglasses backwards so people get confused and don't punch him in the face.” —McFarlane on Fieri’s obnoxious accessorizing
“Batali loves olive oil because that's how he gets in and out of his car.” — McFarlane lays down one of the evening’s best Batali fat jokes
“I'm not saying guy uses too much booze in his food, but I ate a plate of his nachos and got a DUI.” —Norton on Fieri’s favorite ingredient
“Ladies love Mario because if you give him a BJ he gives you his own scrunchie to pull back your hair.” —Ray on Batali’s currency among females
“I have the easiest time of anyone here. I don’t have to write any jokes or insults. My mere existence is insult enough.” —Ray looks inwards
“[Bourdain] is the Jose Canseco of the food world... a snaggle toothed, Lurch-looking motherfucker.” — Excerpted from Fieri’s faux indignant rantYou might also like
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