Joke of the week

Talented local comics and great out-of-towners sling some of our favorite jokes of the year.

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  • Click to the next image to start reading the Jokes of the week.

  • Photogrph: Noffar Gat

    Missy Baker

    The best way to tell someone "Sorry I'm being crazy" is with 75 texts.

  • Photograph: Jesse Scaturro

    Dan Soder

    Everyone knows hipsters are like human bedbugs. You see one, there are probably 40 more under your bed, judging your music.

  • Photograph: Mindy Tucker

    Rojo Perez

    I had a cabbie tell me to pull over so he could whoop my ass. My first reaction was, That’s not the way to get me to pull over. He might’ve had a chance if he’d opened with “Hey, I got an extra milkshake.”

     

  • Photograph: Mindy Tucker

    Zach Broussard

    I got busted with MILF porn on my computer and now I’m not allowed within 500 feet of a night school.

     

  • Photograph: Mindy Tucker

    Nick Turner

    I think I’m unfortunately at that age where I would be able to recognize any version of me from the future.

     

  • Photograph: Mindy Tucker

    Kara Klenk

    You know the guy with a Bluetooth headset on a Greyhound is really gonna bring it in the Rudest Person Alive contest.

     

  • Photograph: Charlie Sotelo

    Louis Katz

    Whenever I type jizzed, Microsoft Word insists I meant jazzed. I guess having your face jazzed on is preferable. Unless it’s scat.

  • Photograph: Anya Garrett

    Selena Coppock

    I like my coffee like I like my men: bitter and incapable of experiencing human emotion.

  • Photograph: Mindy Tucker

    Matt Ruby

    I’m half Russian and half Israeli, which means I’m miserable and I can’t wait to tell you about it.

  • Photograph: Phil Nee

    Joe Machi

    Every time I scored a goal in soccer my teammates would congratulate me by saying, “Put your shirt back on.”

  • Photograph: Chip Litherland

    Dave Siegel

    There’s a fine line between tragedy and comedy. If someone tells me their dog died, that’s tragic. If someone tells me their cat died—comedy.

  • Photograph: Jonathan Aprea

    Calise Hawkins

    My daughter got an ear infection, and while I was in the pharmacy I realized I had come to this same pharmacy five years ago to get the “day-after pill”—and now I was back getting ear infection medicine. I said, “Well, this shit better work this time.”

  • Photograph: Anya Garrett

    Seth Herzog

    If someone says to you, “You’re my boy, right?,” that’s a ghetto nondisclosure agreement.

  • Photograph: Ari Scott

    Will Hines

    Every bar that has an ’80s night misses one thing: a crippling fear of nuclear Armageddon.

  • Photograph: Josh Rose

    Amaya Perea

    Is there a city that always sleeps? I want to move there.

  • Photograph: Q. Ledbetter

    Aparna Nancherla

    Any pizza is a personal one if you cry while you eat it.

  • Photograph: Douglas Gorenstein

    Adi Blotman

    If my dreams are accurate, I’m about to get a job offer. Then pregnant. Then the bees come.

  • Photograph: Scott Gries

    Rory Scovel

    Need to steal a new grandparent? Here’s a tip: Old people in wheelchairs rarely turn around to see who’s pushing them.

  • Photograph: Mindy Tucker

    The Lucas Brothers

    Our father got a philosophy degree in prison. Which is a terrible degree, because it doesn’t work in practical prison situations. If a guy tried to sneak up on you like, “I’m gonna stab you, dog,” what are you going to say, “How do you know that knife is real?”

  • Photograph: Edward G. Negron

    Matt Fulchiron

    I was so drunk last week, I thought the only ingredients in Funyuns were onions and excitement.

  • Photograph: Jesse Scaturro

    Kendra Cunningham

    A guy asked me what my sexual preference was and I said, “Consensual, I guess.”

  • Joe Zimmerman

    I just learned you can google your own name if you want to find out that you’re conceited and nobody cares.

  • Photograph: Anya Garrett

    Dan Wilbur

    Looking back, the guys in 98 Degrees were saying they were slightly less hot than the average body.

  • Photograph: Melissa Sinclair

    Phoebe Robinson

    It’s almost my birthday. Hope my boyfriend gets me a 10-karat golden shower.

  • Photograph: Corey Melton

    Harrison Greenbaum

    My girlfriend said she wants me to be more like Jesus. I was like, “I’m a slightly effeminate Jew who can do magic tricks—how much closer can I get?”

  • Photograph: Noah Kalina

    Adam Conover

    Every show on HBO could just be called Classy Tits.

  • Photograph: Peter Shi

    Chris Distefano

    I went out with my mom for dinner last night and she already texted me this morning, asking if we could hang out again. Stage-five clinger!

  • Photograph: Bill Marshall

    Josh Gondelman

    My girlfriend told me taking Ecstasy feels like a six-hour orgasm. I was like: “That sounds…messy.”

  • Photograph: Mindy Tucker

    Annie Lederman

    The last night before I got sober, I went to the restaurant where I worked and had sex with the dishwasher. ¿Como se dice “rock bottom”?

  • Photograph: Darrin Tarulli

    Ted Alexandro

    J.K. Rowling announced that the character Dumbledore is gay. Some people were outraged—couldn’t believe it. Really? You can’t believe he’s gay but you can believe he’s a wizard?

  • Photograph: Lisa Larson

    Erin Judge

    I’m bisexual, and if you don’t know, what that means is you’re my type.

  • Photograph: Kimberly Cadena

    Seaton Smith

    When I was younger, I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t, though, because I want to die the same way I was born: by mistake.

  • Photograph: Chris Ferguson

    Barbara Holm

    Time’s person of the year is the protester. So if you disagree with that, congratulations.

  • Photograph: Pamela Pasco

    Mike Cannon

    If there’s going to be a party in my pants, then I have to warn the guests about the sweaty chandelier.

  • Photograph: Mindy Tucker

    H. Alan Scott

    My mom used to wear a tube top when I was a kid. This had a huge influence on me. I’m gay.

  • Photograph: Mindy Tucker

    Emily Heller

    I wear glasses, which a lot of people call the “sexy librarian” look. Or in my case, the “librarian” look.

  • Photograph: Melissa Sinclair

    Jamie Lee

    My body is my temple because sometimes my rabbi is in it.

  • Photograph: Zak Kaczmarek

    Shane Mauss

    My girlfriend is a pessimist in the bedroom.… The vagina is always half empty.

  • Photograph: Ian McDonnell

    Ben Kronberg

    I don’t like to call my stepdad my “stepdad,” I like to call him my “faux pas.” Because everything he does is wrong.

  • Photograph: Mindy Tucker

    Alice Wetterlund

    I saw an ad on Craigslist that said, “We are looking for a Mary Poppins to take care of our kids.” I thought, Whoa, what a whimsical way to say ‘white’!

  • Photograph: Stephen Dash Brown

    Nikki Glaser

    I hate when I’m taking a shower and accidentally shave myself while cutting.

  • Photograph: Mindy Tucker

    Jim Tews

    I know I’m maturing because the last time I took a nap, I dreamt that I paid all my bills for the month. Then I woke up with an erection.

  • Photograph: Matt Florio

    Craig Sharf

    I wanted to teach my nephew about irony, so I took him to Titanic on Ice.

  • Photograph: James Shubinski

    Alison Grillo

    Transgender people have become part of the national conversation. We're the awkward pause.

  • Photograph: Noah Kalina

    Adam Newman

    I figured out what the Beyond is in Bed Bath & Beyond. It’s kitchens. They could have just named that store “Bed Bath & Kitchens.”

  • Photograph: David Angelo

    Nate Fernald

    I have a Muslim friend who got an audiobook of the Koran on CD. I'm not sure why, but he got really offended when I asked him to burn it for me.

  • Photograph: Michael Helms

    Jackie Kashian

    My dad's a great salesman. He always says, "Remember what Jesus said: 'Give a man a fish, that man knows where to go for fish. Teach a man to fish and you've just destroyed your market base.'"

  • Photograph: Mark Manne

    Sam Morril

    My girlfriend said, "I want you to do me like it's your job." So I started checking my e-mail and looking at my phone to see when I could leave.

  • Ben Kissel

    I watch Ghost Hunters on TV—you know, the show that proves the existence of douche bags.

  • Photograph: Mindy Tucker

    Miguel Dalmau

    Spanish guys get tattoos with biblical phrases all the time, which is good because if all Bibles were destroyed, church could just be, "Today we shall read from the arm of Julio."

  • Photograph: Jessica Lin

    Noah Garfinkel

    I'm having kind of a lonely winter. My girlfriend is living in L.A. right now. Because we broke up when I was 19.

  • Photograph: Caroline Voagen Nelson

    Amanda Baramki

    Did you know you can get herpes in your eyes? It's so scary—as a woman, it's like, "All I did was look at his penis!"

  • Photograph: Seth Samuel

    Chris Grace

    I think when my boyfriend and I get married, grow old and retire somewhere, he's going to be really surprised when I tell him this whole relationship has just been an extended game of gay chicken.

Click to the next image to start reading the Jokes of the week.




Users say

1 comments
Ismael Maldonado
Ismael Maldonado

Hi. I am a comic in the Nyc scene and would love to able to summit some jokes that could be picked for joke of the week. Would love any help with that and here is a quick 45 sec joke to show I have the funny. Thank You http://youtu.be/N6FYQYbcvWU