0 Love It

Get Naked: January 24, 2012

Jamie Bufalino on when to flush an unfaithful spouse.

Q I am a 40-plus-year-old guy; my wife of ten years is the same age. A couple of years ago, she had a one-night stand while I was out of town with our son. I stayed with her because I love her, and I wanted to keep our family together. I was unsure I'd ever get over it, but I did start trusting her again. Now, I recently found out that she's been having a seven-month affair with a twentysomething-year-old who works in our building complex. She was having sex with him during his lunch breaks, in our apartment and in our bed (without protection). My knee-jerk reaction was pure rage, but I still love her and want to keep our family intact. The problem is that I can't move past this infidelity. I can't sleep or stop thinking about it. I can't even have sex with her without comparing myself to him. I am so sad, depressed, mad, jealous and broken. We have done some counseling, but I'm still as raw as if it happened yesterday. My questions are: Am I selling myself short by giving her a third chance (she says she loves me, it was a "mistake" and she wants to stay together)? If we do stay together, how can I shake this from my mind? And is any of this fair to my son? I should note that I was once a happy guy—I've always been confident and have done well with women. I'm good-looking, athletic, artistic and faithful, but now my confidence doesn't exist. What would you do?

A Ugh. I hate these types of questions because it feels like the psychological welfare of an innocent child is hanging on my opinion—and I've never even met any of you! But what the hell, here goes: The other day, I was taking a leak in one of those automatic-sensor urinals—you know, the kind that activates when your body leaves the pissing zone—and before I was finished, it started flushing! That's right, the stupid urinal made me feel like I didn't even exist. In this inappropriate (and overly elaborate) metaphor, you're me, your wife is the malfunctioning, inconsiderate toilet, and your marriage is the smelly cake of chemicals that just got pissed on. I think we can all agree that your wife does not actually sound deserving of a third chance, but right now, I don't give even the most meager stream of pee about your wife. I care about you and your son, and that's all that you should be focused on too. Clearly, if you were to get a divorce, you could make a strong case to be awarded full custody of your child. Furthermore, based on your self-appraisal, it sounds like you could find a new partner pretty easily. So if this woman's actions have completely changed you from being a confident, cheery, ladies' man into a miserable mess, then I say give her the old flusheroo. First and foremost, your son needs a healthy home environment. Given the choices your wife has made, it doesn't sound like she's capable of providing that. It's a big decision, but personally, I think your son would be better off if his dad were happier, less humiliated and in a truly healthy relationship.

Q I'm a 27-year-old guy who's been single for about two years. I finally found a girl I click with about a month ago, and it's amazing. The best part is that she seems just as much into me as I am into her. The problem is that her work schedule is the opposite of mine, and I only get to see her once a week. Being apart so much is tough for me to handle. I'd love to chat daily via texts (neither of us can be on the phone at work), like I can with friends or other girls I've dated, but she isn't into texting; she prefers intimate conversations in person. Right now, it can take anywhere from an hour to a day to get a text response from her. I don't want to rock the boat, but I'm just not getting nearly the amount of interaction that I'd like from the relationship. What should I do here?

A It's sweet that you're so psyched to be so into someone again, but I think you need to take a few deep breaths and give the woman some space. If you keep pushing the texting thing, you are going to come off as super needy, and that's a huge turnoff. Besides, you've only known each other for about a month, so in-person conversations (as sporadic as they may be) are exactly what you should be dedicating your energy to, not texting. It sounds like you want to fast-forward the dating process and get to the coupley stuff, but that's not a good game plan. Give the relationship time to evolve naturally. As hard as it is to linger in that "will this finally be the one?" phase, you just have to suck it up and deal with the uncertainties, insecurities, frustrations and, also, pleasures that come from truly getting to know someone.

Q I was in a six-year relationship that ended in 2008. Breaking up with him was one of the hardest experiences I've lived through. When we were together, we had an extremely active and satisfying sex life. In the last few years, although I haven't had another meaningful relationship, I've slept with about eight guys. Recently, my ex and I have been seeing each other a lot, and we're talking about getting back together. So far, all we have done is kissed, and for some reason, I can't move past that. I used to be passionate with him, but now I'm suddenly a prim virgin. I've even spontaneously cried on a few occasions when he tried to take things further. How the heck do I move forward? He has been very patient and understanding, but this about-face is baffling both of us.

A The diagnosis is pretty easy: If, deep down, you're expecting this second go-round to end as painfully as the first, why would you ever let yourself open up (romantically, sexually, emotionally, etc.) as much as before? The cure is also fairly obvious, but hard to achieve: Stop giving in to fear and just appreciate the day-to-day joys of your relationship. Of course, it would be nice to get a guarantee that it'll last forever, but no one ever gets that. You have to live in the present and stop burdening yourself with expectations. If you keep preparing for the worst, you'll prevent yourself from fully appreciating the good stuff along the way.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.

You might also like
Last week's Get Naked: Jamie Bufalino says sometimes you have to play hardball
Jamie Bufalino says sometimes you have to fake it till you make it
See more in Sex & Dating



Sex is an art & I'm a good artist. Sex can be made colorful but not at the cost of privacy & secrecy. I'm comfortable with all age group of women provided she is friendly & too wild in the bed. So, girls try me to judge me!! Add me on yahoo im: sunjib.apparel


Nice answers as well as advices, I can relate to almost all of the relationship problem here especially that last question. And I enjoy reading your answers because it gives me a full knowledge about everything concerning relationship problem. I hope that you can be able to help many people who needs your advices about their problem because you are a very big help to all of us.