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Jamie Bufalino levels with furiously fervent masturbators and lovers of escolar.

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Photography: Dan Hallman. Grooming: Legend Rivera Jr at Vivian Artists

Q

I’m a complete hetero guy, and I bought one of those Fleshlights to masturbate with. Let me say, this thing is really lifelike. I used it a few times the first day, but I noticed that I was getting headaches when I masturbated—during both the follow-up times that I used it, and the few times without it. Why? I am a healthy 43-year-old with no issues whatsoever sexually, medically or anything.

A

I’m so happy to hear about you and your Fleshlight. She sounds like a lovely woman, and I hope the two of you have many years of happiness together. One thing’s for sure: You don’t have to have any of those stupid conversations about feelings or about whether her battery pack looks fat in that synthetic skin. Am I right, huh, am I right? Anyhoo, it seems like the Fleshlight’s reputation as “the girlfriend who’s always ready” is just as true as it is delusional. The problem is: You’ve gotten yourself a tad too excited about your new gal. The sex headaches keep happening because your increased blood pressure (from masturbating with abandon) is playing havoc with the blood vessels in your head, and you’re probably contorting your body into all sorts of “Oooh man that feels good! Let me just fuck it hard a couple more times!” poses that are causing your neck and head muscles to tighten up too much. Take it down a notch, buddy. You know the headache you can get when you overexert yourself at the gym—whether trying to lift too much weight or straining to get a better look at the chick with the thong across the way? The same thing is happening here, except you’re horizontal, naked, sporting a raging hard-on, and have a skanky-looking towel nearby (come to think of it—that happens at the gym too). Surely, if the headaches keep occurring you should talk to a doctor, but if you and your new girl just take things a little slower, you can have a mind-exploding orgasm without having your mind, you know, actually explode.

Okay, so you didn’t actually think I’d only get a few chuckles out of the woman who accidentally shat during sex, did you? (By “chuckles,” I mean quietly judging while outwardly being all caring and supportive.) As it turns out, the woman’s plight elicited e-mails of support from the “Get Naked” community. See here:

"For the poor girl who pooped on her new lover, I have been there myself. It happened on the third date with my now husband (so she shouldn’t despair). He had been going down on me for a long time in the missionary position, then later...the unthinkable. It happened only once and in the same manner that she described. Being a doctor myself, I knew there was nothing medically wrong with me. I surmised that due to our positioning and the copious foreplay, I had essentially given myself a cum enema."

Hmm. A cum enema. Yep, I would have never diagnosed that one—so thanks for your input. On a less medical note, here’s another reader’s take on the situation:

"Regarding the letter from the 30-year-old woman who shat on her lover, I’m wondering if she ate a fish called escolar that day or a couple days prior? It can make you leak liquid poo without warning. More info and other names the fish is listed as on menus here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/escolar. Hopefully it was something as benign as this."

Something as benign as seafood that gives you diarrhea during sex? Au contraire. That’s some malignant shit right there. I don’t want to rock the whole escolar industry, but I must insist that all of you stop eating it at once!

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.

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