Get Naked: March 14, 2012

Jamie Bufalino welcomes you to Blow Job Week.

Good news, folks! It’s Blow Job Week here at “Get Naked.” Blow Job Week is kind of like Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, but with mercifully fewer ginormous flesh-shredding teeth. Actually, I’m just a sucker for event programming, and since I happened to receive two fellatio-related questions from different female readers, I decided to create a new (and, I hope, recurring) theme column. And just to chum the waters for future themes, let me point out that there’s a noticeable dearth of comparable questions about cunnilingus, which suggests that guys think they’re pros at going downtown on their women, or they just don’t give a fuck. Whatever the reason, you straight guys have to stop being so self-absorbed and start being more concerned about my theme weeks. Send in your favorite cunnilingus stories, techniques, issues, etc., and I’ll package the best ones into a spicy column. But for now, let’s fire up the BJs:

Q I’m a 28-year-old woman, and my boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about six months. He loves getting blow jobs, and I love giving them, but I’m having problems with one major part of the act. I can’t seem to swallow without gagging and getting nauseous. The gagging part I understand, because the texture of semen grosses me out. But the weirdest part is that soon after I do manage to swallow, I feel like throwing up. This has happened more than once, and one time I actually did vomit—which obviously killed the mood. What’s going on?

A I think it needs to be said right up front that swallowing does not necessarily have to be “part of the act,” as you put it, so if you’re making yourself sick by trying to please your boyfriend, I have three words for you: spit, spit, spit. Guys love the idea of getting sucked off to completion, but let’s be honest here, once the load has been blown, there’s not really much orgasmic payoff to actually having your jism digested. As for the reasons behind your nausea, I’d offer up two possibilities: First, you’re so not into the texture and taste of semen that you’re psyching yourself out. You’re probably nervous leading up to his ejaculation, and that gets compounded by the disgust you feel midswallow, and that ultimately leads to complete revulsion after the fact. Hey, it’s not for everybody, so if you’re not feeling it, don’t do it. The other possible cause is something called a seminal plasma protein allergy, which has been known to manifest itself (postswallowing) in nausea, vomiting, congestion and even diarrhea. But it doesn’t really matter whether the cause is mental or physical. The main issue is that the specter of swallowing is ruining your love of blow-job giving, and that’s never a good thing for anyone involved.

Q My fiancé and I are getting married in a couple months, and I want to surprise him on our wedding night with something he’s really into: deep-throating. He’s about eight inches long. I’ve tried a couple times but always felt like I might make myself gag. He’s had ex-girlfriends who have been able to do this without a problem and it really turns him on, so my question is: Are there ways to get better at deep-throating if you’re not a natural?

A I would posit that no one is born a natural at deep-throating. It’s a skill that takes practice. The main objective with deep-throating is controlling (or at least not activating) your gag reflex. Don’t panic when you feel the reflex kick in a little; tensing up will just make things worse. Practicing with a flexible dildo or a human penis you’re fully in control of is a must. Another major ally in your quest: assuming the right position. One of the best aerodynamic angles for deep-throating is achieved when you lie across the bed with your head dangling off while your fiancé stands over you. This position elongates your neck and allows your throat to be more open and accepting of eight-inch intrusions. As romantic as a wedding night session of deep-throating sounds, I wouldn’t bank on being able to pull off that surprise. It’s going to take a coordinated effort (not everyone can do it and life goes on, so don’t sweat it). I say get cracking immediately, and you’ll either be fully prepared to have a gag-free honeymoon or you’ll move on to all the other equally erotic things you can do together.

Q I am 25 years old and have dated my boyfriend for four months. The sex hasn’t been all that great, but our chemistry is amazing. At first he said he hadn’t had sex in one year, which I thought was normal…then he confessed that it has been four years since a woman has touched him. He is a very handsome man. I don’t understand. He masturbates five times a day. Is this normal? It bothers me.

A There we were, enjoying a nice blow-job high, and then wham!—complete sexlessness. Although one of the lessons I’ve learned over the years is never to classify anything as either “normal” or “abnormal” (it just is what it is), I do have to say that it does seem highly unusual for a male who’s presumably also in his twenties to not feel the touch of even a single woman in four years. But if you pick apart any human being, you’re going to find something unusual, so why let it bother you so much? I know you said the sex isn’t great, but maybe it’s that kind of critique of his performance that made him retreat into the confines of his masturbatorium. If you guys have chemistry, there’s got to be a way to make the sex more exciting. I’d spend less time worrying about why he let four years go by without getting it on with someone else (some people would find his relative innocence alluring—look at virginal Tim Tebow; people seem to love him), and focus more on how you can help him become more sexually accomplished.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.

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