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Get Naked: Sex advice for New Yorkers (November 22, 2012)

Jamie Bufalino revisits readers’ overenthusiastic organs.

Photograph: Courtesy Shutterstock
For the penultimate edition of Get Naked, we’re going back into the archives once again. I picked the following examples of my sexpertise for two very different reasons: The first Q&A demonstrates not only the ridiculous lengths I’ve been willing to go to in order to combine sex and humor (or at least try), but also how ludicrous it is that I’ve been allowed to write a sex advice column for so long. (Side note: I’ve edited my answers a bit since their original publication, because upon rereading them even I had trouble following some of my ramblings). I chose the second Q&A mostly because the question manages to combine potty talk, cooking utensils, orgasms and extreme hygiene. Who could resist that? So let’s dive into theseletters that originally ran circa the mid-2000s (which explains why you’ll encounter a reference to President Bush—ugh! remember him?—further down the page).

Q I’ve always had a great sexual experience with every guy until the one I am currently seeing—who happens to be like a Greek god, best body I have seen, completely sexy, smart, not enough words to describe how cool and hip he is. And he is always turned on—it’s a pleasure to perform oral sex on him. But the minute he goes in, he comes in two minutes! After reading some articles that said 30 to 40 percent of men have the same problem, my interest was piqued. But what’s a good remedy? Should the guy focus on sex with me or think about cows in a village to avoid coming quickly? I finally told this guy to focus on nothing but the sensual movement and see if we last longer, and he did take a bit longer. Am I correct in encouraging that he relaxes while doing that thrusting movement, or is he better off moving as little as possible?

A My take then: Let me begin by revealing that I’ve never been fond of the phrase premature ejaculation. An ejaculation is a glorious thing that should be celebrated at whatever moment it occurs. Would you label a four- layer dark chocolate torte that happened to bake faster than expected “premature cake?” I don’t think so. Of course, it would be nice if both cocks and cakes stuck to the timetable you had in mind for when and how you wanted to enjoy their warm gooeyness, but there’s no reason to give a perfectly good cock/cake a complex about its fucking/baking performance when the fact is, in the grand view of things, you are getting a pretty delectable cock/cake out of the deal. Now, having said that, sometimes it would be nice if a cock/cake could perhaps thrust/bake a bit longer. Fortunately, there are plenty of options for how to deal with this situation. You could try everything from hypnosis to desensitizing cream. In no case would I recommend envisioning cows in a village. Ultimately, every cock/cake is different, and therefore there is not one universal solution. As far as the cock goes, since you’ve been making progress by getting him to slowly build up his sensual resistance capabilities, I would continue along that path. Just don’t make him feel like he’s let you down if he backtracks (you don’t want to add to whatever performance anxieties he’s already grappling with). One final tip: Please don’t stick a toothpick in his urethra to see if he’s almost done.

My take now: I was obviously pretty proud of myself for coming up with that whole cake/cock schtick, but I probably should have dialed it back a bit and touched on some other premature-ejaculation remedies, such as kegel exercises and the start-stop method (which helps premature ejaculators incrementally push the boundaries of stimulation further by doing exactly what the name suggests, penis-thrusting-wise).

Q Ever since my recent colonoscopy (now I’m good for another ten years), I’ve become obsessed with the deep pleasure a high colonic can provide. I’ve improvised a shower device using a turkey baster and some rubber hosing that works quite well, provided your sphincter’s in good shape. While my orgasms have taken on a new and astonishing power, I find myself disinterested in what had been my regular sexual pursuits. Although I’ve opted for full disclosure, my girlfriend is dismayed, our sex has become lackluster, and the tub of bleaching instruments on the bathroom floor is a bit of an eyesore. Advice?

A My take then: Personally, I find it helpful to have one of those four-tiered, floor-to-ceiling chrome shower caddies; that way I can organize my toiletries thusly: lotions and exfoliants on the top level, bath salts and rubber toys (of the ducky variety) on level two, hair products and rubber toys (of the non-ducky variety) on level three, and a framed photo of George W. Bush on level four (sometimes I find it politically cathartic to blow a mid-shower load into the President’s face). That should take care of your eyesore issue (just place your colonic-hose-bleaching products on the level of your choice). Now as far as your overall colonic obsession goes, all I can say is: It’s never wise to be a one-trick pony. Although I’m happy you’ve found such an enjoyable sexual outlet, surely there are some exquisite pleasures to be gleaned from something other than the loving caress of a rubber hose. You know, like lying naked on top of another human being, inducing orgasmic sensations in someone other than yourself, coming without having to see your own waste, those kinds of things. You don’t have to completely give up your colonic routine, just take the time to acknowledge all of the mind-blowing things sex with your girlfriend does for you, even if it doesn’t quite achieve the big finish the high-colonic does.

My take now: Frankly, I nailed this one. Yes, the shower caddy intro was too long à la the cake/cock shtick, but in the end I doled out good advice: No one should replace human-on-human sex with a glorified enema.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.