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Get Naked: Sex advice for New Yorkers (October 18, 2012)

Jamie Bufalino hears out a guy who’s only bi for his best friend.

Photograph: Courtesy Shutterstock
Dearest “Get Naked” readers: You remember that time when one of your straight-married guy friends confided in you that he was questioning his heterosexuality after he had drunken sex with one of his gay male friends and it turned out to be the best sex of his life (complete with a come-swallowing blow job) and then things got all weird with his come-swallowing friend, and then his wife started acting like she knew something homo-adulterous was going on with her husband and this friend of his who seems to enjoy swallowing come? No? That’s because most people aren’t lucky enough to have juicy shit like that happen in real life. But that’s exactly what went down in “Get Naked” a few weeks back. And now some more juicy shit is coming your way because the married, homo-adulterous dude has written me back with an update on the bi-curious state of his affairs:

I used your response to my letter as my way of addressing the problem with my wife, and she had already guessed the issue with my best friend. Needless to say, it was uncomfortable for a few weeks. What I should have stated in the first letter was that my best friend and I have always been intimate since high school. Yes, we used to jerk off together. We always sleep together on trips, and there’s always been that kind of dynamic between us. My wife always appreciated the friendship I’ve had with him. I’ve never felt attracted to other men, but my friend and I have always been physically and emotionally close. My wife and my best friend had a talk, and things are back to normal amongst the three of us. I don’t think I’m gay, but I do recognize that I’m very close to another man who I happen to feel comfortable with. And I think I’m fortunate to have both a wife and friend who understand that shit happens. I feel like I’m in a good place. Now the only one that is confused by this is my best friend’s boyfriend, who thinks we’re all crazy!

You can also add me to the confused column. In your first letter you made it seem like this gay-sex thing was completely new to you, which is why—to use your exact words—you felt a moment of “homo panic” and started questioning your sexual orientation. Now it turns out that you and your best friend always sleep together on trips? (I’m ignoring the high-school jack-off stuff because, seriously, what dude didn’t do that?) I hope you told your wife about these homo-sex excursions as well. As long as the three of you are happy, I’m not going to judge, but I’m starting to get the impression that lying is a way of life with you. If your wife is willing to be this open-minded and accepting, just make sure she knows the full extent of what’s going on.

Q The recent reader stories about their encounters with large penises reminded me of something I’ve been wondering about recently. I am a woman in my forties. It wasn’t until the past five years that I noticed a trend: men apologizing to me about their penis size in advance of heading back to one of our places. We’re talking about younger guys, and it always turns out that their penises are average, not small. What is going on? I have been with enough guys to know that most penises are in a relatively similar size range, with exceptions on either side, of course. But guys would never reveal this kind of information beforehand—not even the couple of ones who had “golf pencils.” What is happening socially that younger guys feel they need to be bigger and will disappoint if they are not? The other recent trend I’ve noticed with younger guys is that there is much more of an emphasis on intercourse and not on getting to know and tease each other’s bodies. There’s definitely
more of a self-centeredness in bed. I was in college right after second-wave feminism, and men were groomed to be knowledgeable about women’s bodies.

I’m admittedly just going to pull this hypothesis out of my zeitgeist-sensitive ass, but here goes: porn, porn, porn and more porn. Now, I know that guys have been deluging themselves with porn for decades, and that the dicks showcased in XXX movies have always tended to be humongous enough to make most men feel woefully underhung, but I also believe that (a) the porn deluge is bigger than ever, and (b) the amount of amateur porn out there is ginormous. It’s easy to give yourself a break if you think, No woman’s going to expect me to measure up to a dude whose professional livelihood is his huge schlong, but when the guy next door is also hung like a beast, a serious sense of inadequacy can start to take hold. As for the wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am part of your question, I don’t think male sexual self-centeredness is a new concept. You may have gotten lucky in college, but I don’t care how many waves of feminism wash over the world, a throbbing dick is generally going to want to get to the main event as soon as possible.

Q I am a straight female in her early forties with two children, and I’ve been married for six years. My husband and I share few interests and rarely socialize together. I also have a high sex drive, whereas my husband’s is much lower; we end up having sex only once a week, and I masturbate twice a day. Recently, I met a man to whom I am extremely attracted. While nothing has occurred between us, we have discussed our mutual attraction. He is also married, with a child. I realize I should not act on my desire, but I don’t want to lose this man from my life. Do you think we can be friends?

Running out of space, so let’s make this quick: No.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.