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Get Naked: Sex advice for New Yorkers (September 27, 2012)

Jamie Bufalino convenes a giant-penis support group.

After weeks of feeling like the flow into my inbox was more of a disappointing trickle than a powerful gush, I logged in this morning and my laptop screen was suddenly splattered with tons of new boldfaced missives. What caused this change in letter-writer enthusiasm? Everyone’s favorite topic: big dicks. A couple of weeks back, after fielding a letter from a gay dude who based his decision on whether to date someone solely on his gentlemen callers’ schlong size, I asked for tales of personal encounters with giant male genitalia (including firsthand accounts of what it’s like to possess one). Surprise, surprise—turns out people really like to talk about this topic (particularly the big-dick swingers themselves). So without further delay, let’s flop what we’ve got right on the table and let everyone’s eyes bug out in amazement:

Big-dick-haver here. Above-average length, exceptional girth—I cover the bases nicely. Frankly, if I found out my size was a determining factor in whether a relationship continued or not, I’d be done. Done. Gone. I didn’t know I had a big penis until my third lover sat me down and explained why buying Magnums didn’t have to be an expression of ego. Since then, it’s been a mixed blessing. I’ve had women give me five eloquent minutes on the virtues of my member, but when I’ve asked them why they liked me, there wasn’t much there. I had one woman break off our affair because she wasn’t convinced she could adjust to the size. Another told me that the day after our first night together, she called her sister and told her I needed a Hefty bag for a condom. After that, my nickname was Hefty Bag. I’d never felt more objectified in my life—and after I stopped getting off on the humiliation (I know), I found myself in an on-again, off-again relationship that existed because I loved her and she loved my dick. I solved my problem by actively seeking a relationship instead of sex. As a result, my current, wonderful girlfriend loves me instead of just my penis (which she didn’t see until a month into our relationship).

I can practically feel the vibrations from the collective eye-rolls of small-peckered gents across the city—“Oooh, Mr. Hefty Bag feels objectified because chicks dig his huge cock.” But the truth is, having a big dick does seem to have its downside. Check out the reaction a female sex worker had to one encounter with a mammoth penis:

It was an hour-long session with a short, black, older guy. He literally had a horse-size cock! Instead of awe, I was grossed out! I said, “Sorry, sir, I don’t think that will fit inside me.” He said, “Just sit next to me and grope it.” He was very specific on how I should sit. He just wanted my shirt off, bra on, to sit on the edge of the bed with my knees together. He wanted it to seem like I was sitting behind an imaginary desk. He made sure my posture was perfect. I sat next to him with my tits hanging out as I groped him with both hands. My arms were getting tired, but I hung in there. I expected Niagara Falls to come out of that horse cock, but I just saw a small amount of dribble. When he left, my coworker—or should I say cohooker—was like, “Did you make sure your posture was perfect?” Then we both cracked up while comparing notes.

See, little-dick-havers out there—hookers sometimes even laugh at guys with huge cocks, so it’s not everything you dreamed it would be! Of course, it’s not all hurt feelings and frowny faces for the hung guys. Sometimes they get laid in the mountains and have fun sex stories to tell:

It wasn’t until college, when I started having a good amount of sex, that I came to understand that I was substantially better than average. My realization came from repeatedly seeing a sort of wide-eyed, where-do-you-think-you’re-putting-that-thing look on women’s faces. The best response I ever got, however, came a few years after college when I moved to the Southeast. A friend set me up on a date with a girl who was explicitly “just looking for some fun.” We went for a hike one afternoon in the Shenandoah Mountains and ended up down a trail that led to a convenient ledge along a cliff. One thing led to another, and when she reached down and unbuttoned my pants, she smiled, looked at me and in her finest Southern accent said, “Well, I do declare!” That was the start of a very memorable day (and evening). To this day, I still have only the fondest memory of her because of that comment.

Since we’ve heard from straight men and women on the topic, it seems only fitting that we finish our Big Dick Experience Roundup with some input from a gay dude:

I am a middle-aged gay man who, though partnered for many years, has had a fair amount of anonymous sex on the side. The absolute biggest cock I’ve ever seen was at a gay S&M club in Manhattan a few months ago. The guy was white, average height, somewhat slim build, but he had a huge dong—I would say close to 12 inches. He wasn’t interested in me, though I did get my lips around it briefly. But I saw him fuck another guy—a friend of his—and he showed no mercy. It hurt just to watch him ram it into the poor guy, who was suffering while being held down by two other dudes. Turned out that was just for show—the guy was mostly a bottom and later had a huge orgasm while being penetrated by an equally large dildo.

All righty then, I think that just about covers it. Something tells me, however, that e-mails are going to continue to pour in on this subject, so if I get any truly remarkable ones, I’ll be sure to share.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.