31 terrible people you will meet when dating in New York
This is a tough city for singles looking for love. Here’s a guide to who you’ll meet along the way.
Thu Aug 14 2014
1. The one you drunkenly made out with but don’t really remember, then search for on Facebook the next morning.
2. The person who invites you back to their place, but you’re still not entirely convinced they’re not a murderer.
3. The one who wants to turn your terrible dating pasts into a contest.
4. The “sensitive” hipster who takes you back to their apartment, then immediately picks up a guitar to sing you a song they wrote about their ex.
5. The guy who’s not listening to anything you say because he’s too busy mentally feeling you up.
6. That person who suddenly rams their tongue down your throat with no warning, right as you're in the middle of a sentence.
7. The guy who obsessively talks about “cuddling.”
8. The Wall Street douchebag who learned everything he knows about foreplay from porn (or possibly American Psycho).
9. That guy who drunkenly decides to pick you up and spin you around in the middle of a crowded bar.
10. The person who’s clearly such an asshole, even their local waiters/baristas/bartenders look suicidal when they walk in.
11. That girl with the bitchy, aggravating friend who’s out to destroy you.
12. The one who you start weighing the pros and cons of sleeping with, then just think, Ah, what the hell.
13. That guy who’s pushing 40 but still doesn’t really understand how bras work.
14. That person who you smile enthusiastically at all night while praying you can get out of this date before they murder you, because oh my God how has no one else noticed this person is obviously a serial killer?
15. The guy who doesn’t give you any kind of warning when he’s about to…y’know.
16. The one with the almost impossibly unsexy sex face.
17. The one where you decide that absolutely every single person in New York is completely undateable, and you will be alone forever.
18. The guy who’s brand-new to the city and currently on his eighth different conquest this week.
19. The one who, an hour into your first date, casually asks if you like anal.
20. The person who thinks that, even after what was clearly one of the worst dates of all time, it’s still a good idea to lunge in for the kiss.
21. The one who requires you do another walk of shame.
22. The one where you suddenly sober up and realize exactly who you’re making out with.
23. The asshole who doesn’t even show up.
24. The one who's psyching themselves up to go in for the kiss for way too long.
25. The one who waits until you’re already having sex to tell you they’re married.
26. The one who doesn’t even come close to hiding their reaction to your weird birthmark/mole/regrettable waxing incident.
27. The one who’s been dating in New York for so long that their conversation is just a series of blunt questions designed to see what you’re hiding.
28. The person who always takes their dates to the same bar, and the other patrons all try to warn you off.
29. The one who you realize you have absolutely nothing in common with in the first three seconds, but feel obliged to go through with the date anyway.
30. This person. This fucking person.
31. The one who makes you feel like, maybe, just maybe, there’s hope for you after all. Because every time you think you’re done with dating in New York, somehow…
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