33 people you will definitely see on the New York subway

You might not want to, but you’ll definitely see them.



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1. The couple who really, really can’t wait to get home. No, really. You’ll just have to deal.

2. That dude who would very much like you to hear about Jesus.

3. A man who might be masturbating. Wait…no, he’s…he’s just scratching his leg, or..? No. No, he’s masturbating.

4. That guy who only discovers once he’s boarded that he’s definitely on the wrong train.

5. That guy who only discovers once he’s boarded that he’s definitely on the right train.

6. That guy who thinks he’s on the wrong train at first, then discovers it’s the right train after all.

7. That guy who ran for the train, then stops in the doorway trying to figure out if it it’s the right train or not.

8. That guy who didn’t manage to board at all, but still kinda somehow thinks you’re going to be able to magically open the doors for him.

9. That guy who just realized he’s on the express train.

10. That person you work with who you know by name but have absolutely nothing to say to.

11. The guy with the crazy eyes and a free seat either side of him. And you best believe those seats are going to stay free.

12. A group of bros making one last ditch effort to pick up chicks on the ride home.

13. Two drunk dudes who’ve never met, but are suddenly absolute best friends in the whole entire universe.

14. The first date couple who haven’t entirely decided if this is going to work out yet.

15. Someone who needs the bathroom so badly they can’t even sit in their seat without squirming, but by God, they are going to make it to their stop.

16. The drunk woman who wants to tell you all about her horrible night while you desperately try to keep it light to prevent the terrible slide into everyone-staring-at-you-both awkwardness.

17. Someone who suddenly decides that they don’t want to listen to you and your friends’ drunken bullshit anymore.

18. The guy who really, really can’t afford to miss this train.

19. The group of friends who’ve been separated by the commuter crush, signaling each other to get off at the next stop.

20. The douchebag who’s still got sunglasses on.

21. The person so drunk they can’t actually remember how to eat.

22. The person who sits in the empty seat between the two weird people who are traveling together but still left a seat between them, then instantly regrets their decision.

23. That guy who finally realizes he is just too fucking high to be on this train right now.

24. The tourists getting on the subway for the very first time.

25. The guy who’s been riding the subway since the 1960s and is still around to tell the tale.

26. That fucking annoying kid who’s singing and singing and why won’t his parents tell him to shut up??

27. That person who mistakenly thinks you’re making sexy eyes at them.

28. That guy with the “busy hands.”

29. The Bridge and Tunnel girls getting all excited for their big night out in the city.

30. Your friend who’s trying desperately not to laugh at the exact same terrible thing as you.

31. That guy who is going to make it to his train on time even if it means trampling your still-twitching body.

32. That one panhandler who’s not doing it for spare change, he’s doing it for art.

33. The person who just figured out they really wish they owned a car.

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Good work turning an Onion article into a terrible Buzzfeed listicle

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