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33 people you will definitely see on the New York subway

You might not want to, but you’ll definitely see them.

1. The couple who really, really can’t wait to get home. No, really. You’ll just have to deal.

2. That dude who would very much like you to hear about Jesus.

3. A man who might be masturbating. Wait…no, he’s…he’s just scratching his leg, or..? No. No, he’s masturbating.

4. That guy who only discovers once he’s boarded that he’s definitely on the wrong train.

5. That guy who only discovers once he’s boarded that he’s definitely on the right train.

6. That guy who thinks he’s on the wrong train at first, then discovers it’s the right train after all.

7. That guy who ran for the train, then stops in the doorway trying to figure out if it it’s the right train or not.

8. That guy who didn’t manage to board at all, but still kinda somehow thinks you’re going to be able to magically open the doors for him.

9. That guy who just realized he’s on the express train.

10. That person you work with who you know by name but have absolutely nothing to say to.

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Good work turning an Onion article into a terrible Buzzfeed listicle