70 things you’ll never hear a New Yorker say

If you hear someone on the streets of NYC say any of the following phrases, you know they must be from out of town

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Photograph: Shutterstock


1. Cash only? Cool!

2. You know, I wish more people would take their bicycles on the subway.

3. Stop-and-frisk has been such a vital and evenhanded approach to law enforcement in this town.

4. Lena Dunham? No, I don't really have a strong opinion about her.

5. I need some excitement. I think I'll go to a Mets game.

6. Sure, I'll run into Whole Foods and get that for you—meet you back here in five minutes!

7. That guy rocking back and forth on his subway seat, mad dogging everyone and muttering angrily to the air…I think I'll go see what's up with him.

8. But how can I cross the street? The Walk sign isn't on!

9. I'm hungry, let's head to Times Square for dinner.

10. You know who deserves to live in that penthouse apartment? A Russian billionaire and his 20 motorcycles.

11. I can't wait to see that Addams Family musical again!

Photograph: Joan Marcus


12. Mmm...someone should make a cologne that smells just like this subway station elevator.

13. Babe who?

14. These horses dragging tourists around Central Park seem so happy and content and full of life.

15. I can see that you've been waiting longer than I have. Please, take this cab.

16. Do you have this Statue of Liberty–themed New York T-shirt in my size?

17. The hardest thing about parking my car is that I'm always so spoiled for choice.

18. I grew up here in Williamsburg.

19. Stopping at that Scientology info table sure was worth my time!

20. The coolest bars in the city can be found in Midtown East.

21. What's Elmo doing in Times Square? Let's go ask him!

Photograph: Wikimedia Commons user 'InSapphoWeTrust'


22. It doesn't matter which comedy club you go to—they're all pretty awesome, and every comedian is funny.

23. How cool is this—a mariachi band in the subway car!

24. I just love our low-stress public-school system.

25. That real-estate broker was so honest and helpful!

26. Ouch! Why is this pizza so crispy?

27. Boy, these Chinatown streets sure are spacious and quiet.

28. Wow, Noah is already out on DVD? Three copies, please!

29. My neighborhood has been so much cooler ever since they put in all the new condos.

30. I don't really have an opinion on that.

31. Let's go to Staten Island!


32. I just found this great new dermatologist! Maybe you've heard of him? Dr. Zizmor?

33. I'm going to miss Mark Sanchez.

34. I still miss Tim Tebow.

35. Whoa, let's be careful and let that car pass by first.

36. A moment of my time? Sure! Heck, you can have ten minutes.

37. I can't wait to settle down and start having kids.

38. I got this mattress off the street!

39. Does this fanny pack make me look fat?

40. That record-store clerk might just be the nicest fellow I've ever met.

41. It was so easy to get to this show at Terminal 5!

Terminal 5

Terminal 5


42. Suggested admission at the Met seems a bit low. Here, take a few more dollars.

43. Thank goodness all of my favorite restaurants and bars are still in business.

44. I wish it had snowed more this winter.

45. Three hours? No problem. I'm sure your pancakes/cocktails/tacos are totally worth it.

46. What a well-maintained, fully operational public bathroom!

47. No, it's fine—just keep swiping your MetroCard, you're bound to get it right soon.

48. This cab smells wonderful!

49. You know who seems nice? My super.

50. Let's do a big shopping trip to Trader Joe's this Sunday.

51. I look forward to my daily commute on the L. I like to think of it as "me time."

Photograph: Michael Tapp


52.  I have enough money in my savings account.… Think I'll bump up my 401k contributions.

53. You're a cabbie and don't know the way to Dumbo? No biggie—we can work it out together!

54. Hey, would you mind turning up the volume on your headphones? I'd love to hear that song while I'm reading.

55. A single empty subway car at rush hour? Is it my lucky day?!?

56. Cute, a bunch of strollers!

57. These cigarettes are cheap.

58. Select Bus Service is the definition of rapid transit. Such an improvement!

59. It's Friday night! Let's go to Meatpacking with a promoter!

60. I can always find time to get to the post office.

61. Let's take a stroll along the FDR.

FDR

FDR Photograph: Ryan Vaarsi


62. Been dating some finance guys lately. So respectful and classy!

63. Kids and brunch—so adorable.

64. Ugh, enough free summer concerts already!

65. I'm ready to admit I never should have moved to Brooklyn.

66. OMG, I'm such a Hannah.

67. I wish there was a Duane Reade nearby.

68. The Louis Vuitton bags that guy's selling on that table are dirt cheap. Seems legit.

69. This deli needs a bigger cream-cheese selection.

70. Excuse me.


Users say

32 comments
Crystal C
Crystal C

My observation: Tourists wait for the crossing light, people who've been here often or awhile wait for the lull in traffic, New Yorkers don't wait for anything...then cuss out the cab driver who had the light.

New Yorkers: The reason why some of the items on this list is funny, and you're all pissy about it, is because it's true.  You won't hear a New Yorker say "Excuse me."

Arthur L
Arthur L

#2,7,12,23,55. Repeat after me, New Yorkers don't say "subway". It's train.

Frank R
Frank R

Def written by someone who isnt a New Yorker.  These lists are so stupid.

jeniffer h
jeniffer h

#14 could cause such harm to innocent animals. These horses are well cared for and contribute happiness so so many. deBlasio's desire to ban them is all about wanting to build high rises where the stables are, not to to
animal "abuse" as there is none. These horses would likely go to slaughter if there were a ban. Nothing to joke about.

PS If you've lived in New York for over 11 years then you can actually consider yourself a New Yorker and only then, if you've been to all five boroughs-if not, then more lists like this will continue to be blithely written. eg: 48 hours in new york

Kamal W
Kamal W

So all Mets fans are tourists? Who came up with this list?

pee_elle
pee_elle

"After a long, tough day at the office, along with the daily brutality that is simply living in NYC, I really hope a bunch of teens get on a train, turn on some loud music and do striptease-style "dancing" that uses the poles while yelling "SHOWTIME!" over and over.  I really REALLY hope to have feet swinging and kicking a foot away from my face! I also can't wait for them to guilt me into giving them money for the privilege of them breaking the law by doing something no one ever ever asked them to do."

otterokc
otterokc

This list sounds like it was written by a tourist trying to be a "real" NY'ker. Maybe they wrote it while waiting in line for a Cronut. O.o

Stupid list written by a team of people who have never lived in an outer borough. Example, the "lets go to Staten Island" crack -- many real NY'ers either live on Staten Island or visit relatives there. Or "I can't wait to settle down and have kids" -- means it's a list written by/for single people who have transplanted to NY and are living in an apartment in Manhattan. 

SuperWittySmitty
SuperWittySmitty

Ra E - sorry, 11 years is pretty insignificant; you'll never be a New Yorker, especially with all of your CAPITALIZED "words." Btw, did you mean "WRECK" and "NATIVE?"  Wreak is a verb, and I haven't seen a "nativity" since Christmas. Where are you from? I'm guessing Ohio.

Mimi T
Mimi T

Totally agree with #14 -- Horses don't belong on city streets. They look miserable.

#14 could cause such harm to innocent animals. These horses are well cared for and contribute happiness so so many. deBlasio's desire to ban them is all about wanting to build high rises where the stables are, not to to
animal "abuse" as there is none. These horses would likely go to slaughter if there were a ban. Nothing to joke about.

Lindy Z
Lindy Z

#22 is right. I've never been to a comedy club where the comics weren't funny.

ANNE S
ANNE S

Most of these are good & funny, but seriously -- #14 is totally off the mark. Bill de Blasio's idea of banning the carriage horses is idiotic. His bull-headed refusal to even consider the evidence regarding how the horses are treated is offensive to all *real* New Yorkers.

great article, had such a laugh reading and thought all 70 were spot on!

I think that the "Time Out Contributor" for #14 was probably Allie Feldman or NYCLASS. They obviously haven't been listening to REAL New Yorkers, who have been clamoring for the horses to stay, have been giving the carriages thumbs up and have been decrying Bill de Blasio's irrational campaign to ban carriage horses. (Who are we to trust a Red Sox fan anyway?)

Alison C
Alison C

Good article, except for  #14.

Most New Yorkers say and think the opposite.


Ruth M
Ruth M

Funny article exceptt for item 14. Where have you been? 64% of New Yorkers are happy with the care of the carriage horses

It seems fairly sophomoric and obtuse to assume that you a magazine would pretend to know how well the horses in NYC are cared for better then their veterinarians and daily care givers. 

CaveJohnson_NYC
CaveJohnson_NYC

@jeniffer h  11 years... I personally only consider those who are born and raised as New Yorker's. Or someone who has experienced a monumental event, such as 9/11 and stayed.. But I hear ya ! 

@otterokc  The obligatory "you're not a real New Yorker" comment. Thank you, otterokc, for being the only REAL New Yorker in the world. If this comment is any indication of your literary abilities, we're all super psyched to read your list of REAL 70 things that New Yorkers would never say so we can put it in the Smithsonian. 

Another one: "I'm ready to admit I should have never moved to Brooklyn" could only be written by someone from out of town to begin with. If you're from Queens, SI, Manhattan or the Bronx, you'd never even think you'd moved someplace different if you moved to Brooklyn, it's just another borough, and if you grew up in Brooklyn the statement doesn't make sense. 

Rå Ė
Rå Ė

@SuperWittySmitty

"70 things you’ll never hear a New Yorker say

If you hear someone on the streets of NYC say any of the following phrases, you know they must be from out of town."

Which non native NY'er aka Time Out contributor saw it fit to write an absurd list that can only be associated by everything that is NOT New York?

I am a NATIVE and this REEKS of the Midwest all dressed up in overprinted florals and BROWN POINTY shoes walking down Fifth Avenue and 21st street, pondering the next Buzzfeed survey; thinking that in fact, since moving to NY in 2009, one is capable of generating a list of SEVENTY items that appear to give a 'GLIMPSE' from who is 'OUT OF TOWN.'

Utterly pathetic and more so telling of the need to validate oneself as a NY'er. I am SO SURE not even one of the 'contributors' to this list is actually from NY or even knows someone by proxy.

A list of 70 apparent socioeconomic and stereotypically dimmed observations (kinda NY-so THAT might fit) do not make you a NY'er, only a FOOL would approach the thought.

<333,

A Brooklyn Nativity

PS If you've lived in New York for over 11 years then you can actually consider yourself a New Yorker and only then, if you've been to all five boroughs-if not, then more lists like this will continue to be blithely written.

@Mimi T They are not miserable. A fit working horse doing a job well withing his capability is a happy horse.  He knows he will be fed, groomed, and fussed over when he gets back to the stable.  Can you honesty look at a horse and tell what he's thinking?  They are quite impassive, not like dogs, who may appear animated.  Real horses do not look like horses in the movies, just like most people don't look like movie stars.

pee_elle
pee_elle

@Alison C Yep, most New Yorkers don't give a crap about animal safety, the environment or eating well (seriously, whats up with all the junk food?) 

SuperWittySmitty
SuperWittySmitty

@Ruth M  I wonder what percent of New Yorkers will ever take a carriage ride. I estimate that 98% of all rides are by a very small percentage of tourists.We don't need a ban but we do need a compromise.

pee_elle
pee_elle

 @Mimi T  ALL animals being used by humans are miserable. 

CaveJohnson_NYC
CaveJohnson_NYC

@SuperWittySmitty @Ruth M I don't know when they started engaging with Traffic. I thought they were only to be ridden in Parks. That should be the compromise, Only in Central Park and a Horse specific Lanes to take them out to the West Side where the stable are...

Shantanu S
Shantanu S

@SuperWittySmitty @Ruth M98@ of all people who go to the top of the Empire State Building are also tourists, but I don't see DeBlasio clamoring to tear the building down. And here I thought tourism was good for New York.

CaveJohnson_NYC
CaveJohnson_NYC

@pee_elle @Mimi T Then get rid of Police Horses fist as an experiment. Nextly, horse should not be in the street, agreed. Only through Central Park. Problem solved

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