Comedian and dog lover Schalk Bezuidenhout might not call Cape Town home full-time, but when he’s in town, he eats, drinks, and jokes like a local.
And much like his jokes, his suggestions of things to see, do and taste in the Mother City are never-ending. The Joburg-born comic spent over ten years here - long enough to earn proper Kaapse street cred and, as his suggestions show, a deep love for a mix of smoky taverns, old-school steakhouses and the city's scenic running spots.
Just don't ask him to go hiking, though, it's not going to happen.
“I’m not a hiker! I hate hiking. If my friends invite me, I tell them to call me when they’re back down and I’ll meet them for a beer. I’d rather run along the Promenade - you see all these little gems on foot," says Schalk.
And his go-to for any visitor?
"I take them to the Waterfront. It’s touristy, sure, but it’s awesome - the markets, live music, the mix of luxury and local. You can’t beat it.”
So, while he may have swapped Table Mountain for the KZN coastline as his home base for now, this is where you can find him hanging out over the festive season this summer.
“It's this little Mexican place and I’m obsessed. The food at EL Burro Taqueria is incredible. I try to avoid the chilli poppers because I always suffer the next day - but do I ever learn? Never.”
Address: 1 New Church St & Kloof Nek Rd, Tamboerskloof.
It’s one of those spots where the bouncers know your name. Places change, but Power & The Glory has managed to keep its soul. However, I just feel old when I go now.”
Address: 13d Kloof Nek Rd, Tamboerskloof
“My mate Gert owns Blondie. It’s always a bonus when your friend owns a bar.
"It means free drinks and no queues. There's this rock-star feeling when the bouncer calls you out of the line. My advice: make friends with at least one bar owner in your life.”
Address: 71 Kloof St, Gardens, Cape Town.
“Hacienda's is fancy enough to feel special, but not over-the-top fancy. I don't really like fine dining when the dishes are little experimental micro herbs and raw.
"I like a fancy place that blends between feeling, 'wow, I'm really treating myself tonight', but at the same time, not where it's just kind of pretentious."
Address: 92 Bree Street, Cape Town
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“Willie Balls runs Arthur's Mini Super and he’s there all the time. That’s what makes Arthur's so great, he knows you by name, he knows your order, and it just gives you that personal touch."
Address: 15 Arthur's Rd, Sea Point.
“Rich people go there even though it's like plastic chairs, but they go there just because it is so good, proper Portuguese food. It's always a vibe.
"The food at Dias is like the best you'll ever have, like the espetadas. They've also got the cheesy live music and this guy with a little hat, I always wait until he sings I've got a feeling, by The Black Eyed Peas.
"It's one of the best spots if you can get a booking to watch the rugby when the Springboks are playing."
Address: 15 Caledon Street, Cape Town.
"I was blown away by those massive burgers. I don't think they do this anymore, but at one point, they only made 50 burgers an evening. When the 50 are done, they're done.
"And the whole thing that made it quite authentic is that they were a bit rude. It wasn't like your typical hospitality. They yell at the top of their lungs, and you have to run to the counter because you don't want to piss them off.
"Now they do pizzas and whatever. But at one point, it was just that you could only get a burger. That's it. But I think it's still worth going."
Address: YARD 6, Roodehek Street, Gardens.
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“Yes, Willoughby's is in a mall. You'd think that will never work. People don't want to go sit inside the mall. People want an outside area and a view. That's what people want in Cape Town.
"Yet, it’s always packed. But the sushi? Unbeatable. I don’t even try going in December - it’s chaos in the best way.”
Address: Shop 6132, 19 Dock Rd, Victoria & Alfred Waterfront.
“I love a proper, old-school steakhouse. Hussar has white tablecloths, silver cutlery, steak, creamed spinach, and butternut. Don’t reinvent the wheel, just do it right.”
Address: 14 Main Road, Rondebosch, Cape Town
"Bar-B-que is an off-the-beaten-track steak house on Voortrekker Road. You're not going to get Hassar Grill quality, but it's an experience.
"It feels like you've gone back in time, in terms of the decor. And also the prices on the menu. And when the food arrives, it's like these monster portions."
Address:327 Voortrekker road, Parow.
Address: Faure Village Rd, Croydon, Vergenoegd Löw Wine Estate
“My go-to in Stellies is Warwick, they have generous tastings. They bring out the big guns and let you taste all the expensive wines. They are also open 365 days a year, including public holidays and Christmas.
"They just have a very friendly, wholesome vibe. It’s what I imagine heaven to be like - parents sitting under the trees drinking wine, kids playing in the fountain, clothes are sopping wet, carefree. You can relax and spend the whole day there.”
Address: R44 between Stellenbosch & Klapmuts
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