Half Past Dead

Sometimes, when you've just wasted a tenner and a perfectly good evening watching another dumb, gratuitously gun-filled, hackneyed, nonsensical action picture, don't you wish you were as thick, lazy and easily pleased as Hollywood wants you to be? Then you'd enjoy this lumpen, insulting slab of meaningless, ultra-violent schlock. You wouldn't question a plot with Seagal as a fat Russian undercover Fed whose best buddy is sly dapper crim Ja Rule. You wouldn't wonder what they're doing in a reopened Alcatraz run by a stereotyped Mexican pimp. You wouldn't try to work out why a bunch of goons aim to steal $200m from a condemned Buddhist elf. You wouldn't worry about any of that because you'd be too busy picking popcorn from your lap and wondering where the next explosion will come from.