Tarzan, the Ape Man

Judging by the amount of time everybody spends swimming, the African jungle resembles Hornsey Baths filled with oversized pot plants. When not actually in the water, Bo Derek is having water poured over her, giving her mammary glands the Playboy Wet Look. Asked to act, the Wet Look invades her face and she whimpers, giggles, and sticks a finger in her mouth while reciting such blatant lies as 'I'm still a virgin'. Harris, as dad, takes the opposite approach and shouts all his lines at the top of his lungs. But O'Keeffe, as Tarzan, has the best part: he never says a word, unless you count 'Aaa-awaa-awaa'. His visual presence is striking enough: Bjorn Borg's head bolted on to Arnold Schwarzenegger's body. The plot, such as it is, climaxes when Bo is kidnapped by a bunch of sex-mad darkies, ruthlessly washed, and then painted white. A classic closing credits sequence finds Bo, Tarzan and an orang-utan - all officially still virgins - struggling to invent the Missionary Position.