Oh, dating in Miami. It’s sort of like The Bachelor/Bachelorette if the shows took place in a sauna filled with people who have all been banned from Tinder. It’s no secret that looking for love in this city is an arduous task that often results in having to Uber home from strange neighborhoods at ungodly hours.
To put it simply (and in Facebook terms), it’s complicated. There are a whole set of dating rules and regulations that apply only within the Miami-Dade city limits. Chances are, you’ve had to cut things off for one of the following reasons.
1. You always catch them in lies thanks to World Red Eye albums. Oh, so you took it easy last night? Then can you explain why WRE just posted a photo of you at LIV arm wrestling Hassan Whiteside.
2. They ordered a salad at La Carreta. And then wondered why the waitress looked at them like a crazy person.
3. They keep saying their favorite Pitbull song is “Gasolina.” Oh, no. No, try again, boo-boo.
4. They live in Kendall. With their—gulp—parents.
5. The stray cats in their neighborhood won’t stop pooping on your car. And are just generally mean-spirited creatures who follow you around menacingly.
6. They don’t speak Spanish but insist on rolling their Rs. You can order a bur-r-r-r-r-ito all you want, child, but we know you’re from Ohio.
7. Every single photo of them available on the internet was taken in front of the Wynwood Walls. Diversify your selfie game already. Jeez.
8. They won’t stop correcting people’s pronunciation of Art Basel. “No, no—it’s Bah-sel.” Gee, thanks ahs-hole.
9. They were rude to your favorite cafecito window. And then they got mad when you pretended like you didn’t know them. Sorry, but you’re not worth risking my caffeine plug.
10. Their Uber rating is too low. A 2.6?! What did you do, steal the car?
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